I had loved him But I had lost control I had thrown it all away Into a small box It sat where the world had seemed to dim And I continued with my roll I had broken his heart in a day Without any sticks or rocks We could’ve lasted couldn’t we? So many memories carved But with so much fear I panicked and cried For I’d bitten the hand that fed me, In hopes it’d let me starve

i’m upside down now that you’re not around i am lost and i want to be found i’m upside down in this world full of clowns i’m all alone now i’m upside down

She is erratic in her ways. She is bubbly when happy and sulky when sad. But it’s when she’s mad, when she’s mad her eyes ignite with a fire unlike any other. She is never ashamed of herself or her style. She is confident and fierce. She is who I want to be.

i should have known that meeting you would end like this: me loving you you loving him him stealing you you growing away from me is it selfish to wish you were mine, when you are happy with him? is it selfish to cry when i remember him kissing you at the lockers? is it selfish to think that this would always happen? that you would fall for them and i would fall for you why is it selfish when i look out for you and kind when you look out for me?

i love you i really really do but he does too so i am alone here why do i have the right to love you when he actually dates you? why do i fall for the girl who is catholic and taken? so now i sit alone pretending that you are just a friend and that i like someone else because i am someone else to you than he is

I am not a butterfly not like him not like you either i am a moth doomed to be drawn to the prettiest of specimens forced to love those i can never have you are beauty while i am average moths don’t get to be beautiful they get to cling to cloth and die in cobwebs butterflies get to love freely butterflies get to be beautiful butterflies like you don’t fall for moths like me

I know you were showing me what he did but all i can think is how your leg crossed mine or how your fingers laced through mine except your leg crossed his and your fingers laced through his so i guess i’ve lost you and he has gotten you even though you are no object to own i wish you were mine: my girl my world

i don’t feel feelings the way you do i don’t love the way you do i don’t like people the way you do i become hyper fixated not infatuated like you do i admire those from afar not telling them of beauty not the way you do i don’t feel romantic attraction not like you do i don’t feel anything of the sort not like you do i don’t fall in love not like you do but i want to fall in love just like you do

All that glitters is not gold all that smile are not happy all that die do not live her eyes do glitter but she’s no gold she may smile but she’s not happy she will die but she has not lived her eyes do glitter she is silver she may smile but she’s is lonely she will die after living

If only i were more to you if only i was yours if only you loved me like partners if only i could feel love if only we were meant for eachother if only we had a chance if only i could explain the way you make me feel if only

how come i’m torn between my head and heart my head tells me to be sensible to forget her to forget this feeling except my heart wants to love her to love her to want her but that can’t be so i won’t choose between them i’ll love her from afar and pretend to love her platonically

i thought love was good i thought love was nice and yet it hurts more my heart want her and it hearts because she is not mine

i have sacrificed so much to love you except you don’t love me at all so many nights spent sobbing over you so many days wasted thinking i’ve sacrificed my days and nights clouds and moons and still i wait for you, as if your ever coming back about you

i am the girl in the window i wave at everyone passing but they never wave back i am the girl in the window i draw the faces i see but they dont see me i am the girl in the window i watch them all as they live a third party in a world of firsts i am the girl in the window growing older, obviously dying alone because nobody sees me i am the girl in the window blue eyes and all stuck watching and never ever living

i am lost in my own heart an uneven path greets me at every turn the path splits do i wear red or blue? him or her for me? do i really love her? epic questions with terrible answers i am lost in my heart save me from the monster the lurks within it draws blood from my very soul it thumps against my rib cage it wants out of here and so do i

Once i’ve done this i’m never going back and yet it’s clear but i don’t understand once i’ve fallen i can’t fly up and yet i trip but do i catch myself or do i fall head over heals for you? accept i think fate decided for me because now i’m passing clouds and sky stars and moons are above me and im waiting to crash on the ground

i thought you’d have to be an absolute fool to believe him but you’re no fool but still you believe he’s best when really he’s the jerk here how come you laugh when i tell you how he’s hurt me? how come you’ve picked him over me? that’s not what happened last time last time you only were his now you’re shared and honestly it’s worse to see you often and only hear or his perfection then see you never and know you love him more

my mind is a library of worlds and words voices carry farther in that echoing space because only books about you stay fire burnt his section and dust coated hers your books are pristine polished and prepped but i can still hear the echoing words from other sections, from other people his love and her affection while your section is silent

if i told you my secret would you tell a soul? would you brandish my inner thoughts for everyone to see? or would you keep it quiet and out of sight? maybe left it in the darkest cubby you have? but i guess there’s no point in saying when i already know how you’ll react to this you’ll say it’s fine and pretend that you don’t judge me because i am so in love with you but you are not with me

I woke up weeks ago no one in my heart and then just yesterday i woke to cold air blowing through my veins an odd scent on frigid wind the door to my heart was open again the key on the doormat and the threshold worn that door hadn’t been open since him but now i know it’s you who held that key right? it went missing just days before you stepped in and now you’ve come to break my heart and didn’t bother to take off your shoes before entering

i found a leatherbound book when i was young writing stories within it, before forgetting i picked it up again in the fifth grade writing out our words and stories on pages it has lasted so long and i wonder when it’ll run out of space for us to write and bond but now a leatherbound notebook is my life and love even if the love shall never be returned

if she wasn’t going to love me i wasn’t going to love anybody because she is perfection personified beauty in a body a brain as amazing as the moon so i guess im going loveless without her with me

she kisses him back my heart breaks when she tells me of him often but i still love her i still love her she tells me of him often but my heart breaks when she kisses him back

i’ve swept and cleaned every room in the house because you just might be coming now i pace and watch my food steam hunger foreign heartbeat too fast and too hard so i’ll sit on the bed watching the clock tick by until i realize that you won’t come even though i waited

i’ve been thinking about you for so long i couldn’t remember if i really did love you and then i watch Peeta and Katniss in the cave and realized that that is exactly what i want for me and you i can see it now you and me clear as day and beautiful as night so maybe you’ll find that clarity too through something of your own

i don’t want to be a weed within this sea of flowers and yet of course how can i not when i am no flower maybe i’m a tree reaching towards the sky or maybe a fern dipping towards damp soil or maybe i am a simple weed spreading and drowning out everyone else by stealing what they need most

i always loved snakes and then i woke up with one in my bed i was surprised at first sure but it’s foul tongue and smooth scales became beauty to me and then one day i woke up with a dove in the bed soft wings and gentle words became real beauty for i realized i settled for the least i could do

today is one whole year right? since you have left my life left me alone with your parents and my own to help with their divorce and deal with my lack of a father figure and your mother fights everyone now when she’s not drunk in her room and your father is never home anymore and my mother never shows her smile the family from our special place has been hurt young children smile with sadness and parents cry so why did you leave me here to deal with what is left because all i ever did for you was keep you safe from harm

i know that you love him today but maybe tomorrow you’ll give me a try for your love except you don’t like me as such a lover because i am not him but maybe the rejection is just a secret kind of love in which you deny yourself my love and deny me yours so please don’t refuse me next time i ask you out because i am worth a shot as much as he was

i am alone to you and yet i am not because, you see you look at negative you see that i can’t find true love and say that makes me lonely but it really just makes me happy beyond romance

i never thought to love you and i never thought to lie but of course a change of plans has put your hand in mine i love you like the moon and sun yet i will still lie about my love for you my dear for your hand will not be in mine

your words wound me deeply but your silence hurts more tears have blurred my vision to the point that i can’t see but i’m your therapist in some ways to let you speak of him even when it hurt the most when you don’t say anything at all so i guess i’d rather listen to your love for him rather than be stuck listening to nothing at all

her confidence was in her nature the bubbly way she spoke was in her nature when she laughed her smile was her nature her kindness was just in her nature always so why when love is part of her nature is she unable to love the nature that belongs to me

“do you want to date?” she said and everything broke down panic was hyperventilating in the corner and confusion clouded my mind sadness crept into my vision tears on her cheeks anxiety clutched my lungs and i couldn’t breathe anymore and frustration knocked on the door because why can’t everyone leave me alone “i’m sorry, i’m not interested” is all i say

the joy i felt loving you was just poison in disguise you were to be harsh a waste of time and now i’ll sit under a starry sky thinking of someone who is not you

her eyes are blue i’m so close to her i can see her freckles she smiles my heart stops what is this i feel? she’s just a friend she doesn’t like me anyway but she’s so kind and so pretty maybe i’m getting a crush of sorts?

i take the flowers from her hands kissing her lightly before smiling and pulling away she puts her hand in my hand perfection, is this moment dragons fly above making the sky seem brighter her eyes reflect the dots of color from these beautiful beasts we’re building this world from scratch and it’s already perfect

you will love me softly while i love you wildly you are tentative your touch small while i am eager my love growing i am an avaricious soul longing for something intangible and yet it is just there

“i heard she stopped talking to him” “no but wait” “i heard he cheated on her” “but wait i heard him say” “she cheated on him?” “but i thought they were still together” lies become truth without a second thought the words they spit from serpent mouths snake on their tongues i wish there was a frog instead because that’s not what happened they fought and couldn’t agree the thought it was best to part ways so don’t believe what you hear because snakes and serpents alike like to lie

if silence is golden then we must be rich because we haven’t spoken in quite a bit the loudest thing in the room is the sound of nothing no thoughts or stories just utter quiet but honestly this silence is a priceless gift

i told you how i felt now tell me the same tell me what you’re thinking don’t leave me here like this please don’t leave me at all i need your words and thoughts to keep living on except you haven’t said anything your boyfriend texted me asked me what was wrong with me i don’t know ok? i didn’t mean anything by it but i care about you almost as much as i care about me which is why i put the phone down and called my mom for help sobbing and messing up my mascara this silence i can’t take just answer me but instead you text my mother and everyone else in my life and then i call you and oh my gosh how i’ve missed your voice how i’ve missed each word and breath oh dear i think i’m in love and yet that doesn’t bother me anymore

hello you i’ve traveled far and i’ve finally arrived with a message for you she loves you dearly now what to send back? that you don’t feel the same okay OoOoO hello you a response from her she feels the same about you she loves you too OoOoO messenger i am messenger i’ll be but my messages are not the same as you thought they were OoOoO hello you it seems your messege has been declined

i am sorry for every butterfly i felt because i am betraying you as i feel them because i am your best friend not girlfriend because he is your boyfriend and lover so i’m sorry for the butterflies and the love i feel for you and i know you don’t know about anything of this but maybe one day you’ll return these fragile feelings but you probably won’t so i’ll say sorry one more time and then just leave you alone

i’m sorry for hurting you 𝔫𝔬 𝔦𝔪 𝔫𝔬𝔱 i’m sorry for breaking a heart 𝔞𝔪 𝔦 𝔱𝔥𝔬𝔲𝔤𝔥 i’m sorry for leaving you in the dust 𝔟𝔲𝔱 𝔯𝔢𝔞𝔩𝔩𝔶 𝔦𝔪 𝔰𝔬 𝔥𝔞𝔭𝔭𝔶 𝔶𝔬𝔲𝔯𝔢 𝔤𝔬𝔫𝔢 i’m sorry 𝔦𝔪 𝔫𝔬𝔱

is the way you speak to me true or just something i made in my head just those flattering words weren’t meant for me and we’re for someone else were those words facts that you felt or just my fancy for you getting in the way? because it felt so real but you seem normal as always so maybe i made it up made up your love and support and every compliment you ever gave but i guess i’ll never know whether it was fact or fancy that made me hear those words

she is bubbly and bright and absolutely gorgeous and there is just no other way to describe her.

you are the heroine in every story i write you are the muse for every work of art you are the dream i have each day that will always keep the night away and save me from my darkest thoughts because i’ve been dreaming everyday about you for forever i live before you but now i can’t live without you so now you live in my day dreams only rivaled by your own breath and heart

after you left me be, i couldn’t help but feel down because we didn’t address the elephant in the room, for love untold gets quite heavy at times even if i have another’s help. just because my love is a whistling kettle doesn’t mean you should let them pour me out. tell them no and save me please? (didn’t actually finish the alphebet but yea)

i prayed you were one of my smaller mistakes except of course my assumptions were mistaken too because i still haven’t gotten over you because you’re the only obstacle in my path a fork in this winding road of life that i can’t seem to decide to go right or left

she stared only for a moment weighing her choices before she shoved a knife into my stomach because she never knew the pain it caused when she spoke of him though of course this meant for me my own endless torture so knives become lodged in my throat whenever i look to her because i know she’ll never love in the way she loves him compared to me

Dearest Best Friend, you’ve long waited for me to fall in love, and it really does pain me to tell you this, it won’t happen. there are no ifs ands or buts because it is simply that simple: it just won’t happen. i mean, i very much would like to love someone romantically, but i believe that might be out of my skill set. and quite frankly i’ve changed my mind on if im taking her to the formal, i really would rather not. simply asking her there may imply that i like her as more than a friend which is not how i am. so i plan to not tell her about my thoughts of taking her because i would really not want to give her the idea that i like her romantically. please, do not kill me for this. with love, your best friend

i’m falling deep into the pool i found, deep blue depths and streaks of sunlight dancing with shadows. i’m watching these new stars i found, the sparkle on this newfound story that i’ve yet to read. i’m cloaked in this silk i found dark and unique. i breathe in the misty breath of personified mourning, it twirls with the ultimate grace in and out my chest i feel these few flowers i found, growing in my lungs, they choke me out and bring me down, without even making a sound

“he got talking with my last guy saying i was controlling” she laughs like it’s nothing because it doesn’t hurt her but she didn’t see the way i imagined breaking every bone in each of their bodies including their spineless back and brainless skulls “you’re like the least controlling person i know” you’re the most loving person i know “exactly, but it’s no big deal, i’m over both of them anyways” if only you saw the hole in my bedroom wall

what did you do when i stopped talking and what did you do when i ignored you because i know i was happier than not so my question to you is what did you do?

you never asked me how it felt when you yelled you never asked me what was wrong when i cried so i’ll tell you now that when you tell me that i’m keeping our family hostage i feel my heart crush like a grape and when you never asked what was wrong i never told you how i feel trapped in my own skin every time you force me into a corner because where should i go when both you and mom team up on me? where do i go when the two people i should be able to trust become the two people i never want to go to? you never asked where all these tears come from and let me tell you these tears come from that heart you shattered and drip harmlessly on the ground, a funny way of the irony of it, that these tears from harm do nothing to save me n o t h i n g at all

sometimes the only way to really forget is to go to sleep sometimes the only way to really feel something is to slice open your own chest sometimes the only way to see is to pull out your own eyes and sometimes the only way to really love is to hate

My dearest love, is it just me or is love just a pit in your chest? empty and ugly and dark no feeling just numb? OoOoO My dear lover, my love for you is a blossom in the spring color and vibrant decorate my heart where it was once red is now ecstasy as a color OoOoO My dearest love, if only i could feel what you feel for it sound wonderful in a way i’ve never experienced! though i never felt like that i don’t think OoOoO Dear lover, i wonder if maybe that is a sign to leave? a warning of sorts? OoOoO My dearest love, it couldn’t be i love you, i know i do! please don’t leave me stranded OoOoO Dear friend, I’m sorry, goodbye OoOoO i can’t i can’t i can’t live without live without you my love my dearest deepest love don’t. leave. me p l e a s e

“what do you think?” people will ask me because i’m not involved, a third party of sorts neither their side or the other just there and sometimes it hurts that i am only an opinion they seek and not a human to involve but i’ve come to terms with this party of mine after all i’m not the only one i have friends in the third party but they all get to be part of something at some point when i do not

the sinking feeling in my chest is this memory of lips and hands and it makes me gag with every thought and it makes dread fill these lungs and stomach and drowns flowers that should be growing

“i- i love her” the words slipped from my mouth i was too eager to say them, to get them off my back. for they haunted every thought and breath through every living day. i can’t get it out and now that i’ve said it to you, i cannot take it back- but oh how i wish i could! because now the world knows and now the world shall make it harder to love her! no wonder she ranted about the ex she still loves, the day after i said it- no wonder she still loves him! it’s obvious, i should’ve seen it before: the longing the shorts everything became about him because i don’t bring her a real smile, he does! and i don’t bring her “best self”- of course it’s him! though do i really want her best self? because i find her perfect, even when makeup drips down her face and tears stain those cheeks and the soul you hide and secrets that rot within you. so i guess i do love her don’t i? when all is said and done, the world can know my love for her! but even if i let the universe see that love deep within my chest, would i let her see that love, because it isn’t his. no, it’s not his, so i guess it doesn’t matter to her

a twitch of their fingers and i’m speaking these words, a twitch of their fingers and i’m running away. a twitch of their fingers is my entire life, while the twitch of their fingers is also my end

the love within my heart vanished into thin air, accompanied by tendrils of bloody smoke and it never came back, did it? my heart itself was practically an illusion for it was never there! and i’ll say this with a smile on my face, because how else should i tell you, that i’ll never love you like that? with tears running down my face?- because that’s not my style. i’d rather go for insane because i’ll keep believing illusions, believing that it will end differently this time

goodbye to laughing at lunch goodbye to patting eachother on the back goodbye to smiles goodbye to friendship goodbye to knowing eachother goodbye to time we have left goodbye 22 goodbye algebra goodbye to you i’ve given up trying to make time go slower, given up trying to slow the inevitable you leave, another school and grade, you always were so old, goodbye name calling goodbye checking in on eachother i’ve given up hiding my sadness, you seem to see it too, even when we refuse to acknowledge the ticking clock goodbye heart to hearts goodbye stories goodbye sarcasm i’ve given up trying to hold myself back, i have to spend every last second make it worth it goodbye to fun facts goodbye late night talks goodbye to the group at full goodbye to arguing over food i’ve given up, hiding what you mean to me: you are the older sibling i never had, the brother who actually cares goodbye debates goodbye dreaming goodbye looking to the future goodbye to funny looks goodbye, you

a triangle is the strongest shape, or so i’m told it can withstand many but it wrecks most, for he is, in fact, in love with me, and she is, in fact, in love with him, and i am, in fact, in love with her, so here it is, this triangle that wrecks each friendship and relationship, it shall cross, for it is the strongest shape, and will not live to see another

“i thought you were in love with him? i mean he’s very obviously in love with you.” little does she know that she is the love, “no, i don’t think i ever was, because i love someone else.” her face twists to a nosy sort of greed, “care to share?” no “sure” i pause, she sits expectantly, “her eyes are so blue that i could drown in them. freckles create constellations across her nose. her smile could outshine the sun, but she will never be mine.” she thinks on my words, before leaving for the next class. she does not speak to me, until only a few hours after school a text, that reads: “you’re in love with me”

if only this world had shown me mercy, then maybe i would still be in your arms. how terrible would that be? smothering myself because, why would i be someone else when you loved me? except, you didn’t love me, you loved who i wanted you to see. so if the world had shown more mercy it would’ve hurt a little more

how do i feel? please tell me i dont know there’s a smile on my face and a hole in my chest. there’s a light within my eyes and a lack of it within my mind. because what do i do when you ask who i like? because obviously i like you. and you obviously don’t like me. i’m doomed aren’t i? to love the one who will never love me. because what do i do when there’s a brother who hates me? because im buried within my mind and music and then he’s bugging me unprovoked. i’m doomed aren’t i? to a sibling who doesn’t like me, even though i did nothing. because what do i do when a father doesn’t let me cry? because it’s a panic attack and he says to get a grip and stop before i wake someone else up i’m doomed aren’t i? to a father who doesn’t seem to know what to do, and decides to go with scolding. because what do i do when a friend is growing away? because i cant live without her, but it seems she doesnt need me. i’m doomed aren’t i?

you asked my name, and looking into your eyes i didn’t have one. you asked for a friend and i knew you’d always be one. you say you love me just not like that: you cut the heart from my chest. ask him to the formal don’t even bother with me because i’d dress up in my sunday best and all you’d do is shove a knife through my back and smile before you apologized. you’d stuff my mouth with cotton before you give me a chance. but when you ask my name i’ll never have one

i’ll ask to see you because i cannot breathe anymore and you leave me on read until i have to text you again, and you say sorry, i can’t make it- it’s fine i promise, the tears were never there. only the next day you say that you were spending time with her, that’s why you couldn’t be with me and it is the stinging pain within my chest that has me distant, that has me crying through the night. when mom asked me why tears were in these blue eyes, i tell her they were never there, and ask can you be here again and again but it’s just the same because i am not a first, i am the last to be there, and you should know it hurts so bad sometimes, so what do i do when he is busy with his fans, and he is busy with his friends, and you are busy with your other best friends? i bury myself in the writings and stories of others, if only to ignore mine. if only to look busy. if only to be last and alone.

i’ve heard of a concept, where people lean on one another, and support eachother, even when it’s hard. i’ve heard of a concept, where people share their thoughts, and become bonded as one. i’ve heard of a concept, i’ve heard it’s called love. i’ve heard of this concept, but maybe i’ll never know it the way it’s heard

i thought the nausea was how love was supposed to feel, because when i told you i had to go take a shower, you’d say “bring me too” and my gag reflex went off, i thought that’s what was supposed to happen. it turns out that’s just me, because i never want to be touched or kissed or anything in any way, no matter who it is, and i don’t want to see women like that because i am no creep, so what do i do, when you say i would want that? because its infuriating for i never wanna be like that, and i can’t tell you so, because you wouldn’t believe me. and i can’t tell him because he doesn’t know or care, and i can’t tell her because loving anyone other than the opposite gender is apparently a sin, but i can’t control it, this was no choice of mine. i can’t tell my parents because how could they help? so all i have is poetry to save me from this earth, maybe one day i’ll find someone who knows the struggles of an ace

listening to his song i only hear you, no lyrics, it’s just me and that guitar and you within my mind, “the lyrics are the best part” he said but how can i listen when i hear your laugh in each chord and your smile with each pitch, i can’t focus when that song is on because you’re always there, but every replay becomes another heartache because i miss your laugh and smile, because the love you feel towards someone else, will never be mine

i don’t have the emotional capacity for your crap anymore when i sit in an airport with tears threatening my every word so leave me alone

when i look at the pride flags waving from the windows i feel my heart speed up with excitement, because these are my people. when i look at the pride flags waving from the windows, i can’t wait to find someone to take to a pride festival. wearing our flags as capes and colors on our skin i can’t wait for that joy i can’t wait to share my pride with someone

walking on a bar harbor sidewalk, i watched i pride flag waving in the wind, and with a simple smile and a slowed down walk i almost fell when my dang knees locked

he’s how old again? a grade more than us? how come he’s better? i don’t even know him, he has that kind of name, the kind that you know that person is a player. i bet he smells like intense cologne you’ll say smells great and he’s better to you when not around others. i’ll sit in silence and suffer while you live out your happily ever after

don’t cry don’t cry mock her the way friends do don’t show her the pain because that was past wasn’t it? she’s onto someone new maybe i’m next? i mean she seems to be flirting more seriously? i’m not someone new and i never will be will i?

i didn’t think this would hurt this much. i mean this is normal? isn’t it? she moves from guy to guy, three this school year, this is nothing new. the only new that haunts me is that i thought i had a chance

there is a lens over my eyes, the landscapes become grey and she makes everything colorful but then it’s words that turn this world to ash, because my heart was squashed to bits. now my chest is empty, likewise my soul

you’re flirting is like snow during the 90 degree weather, unlikely, uncommon, enexpected. why am i flustered? a warm day in the cold of night, heatwaves in blizzards why are you surprised? you’re unpredictable, and this weather woman can no longer tell up from down, and hot from the lack there of

to whoever’s listening, send me someone to love, send me someone who will love me- and every broken piece. to whoever’s listening, give me an ability to love the one, give me an ability to show them i care. to whoever’s listening save me from a lonely existence, show me to refuge i’m someone else’s arms, show me safety in the heart of another, show me sanctuary in the words within their soul, and bring me blooms to leave upon the threshold

why did you say that after i just confessed one of the deepest secrets? why did you only see the bad, and not that i’m trying? i mean it isn’t my fault that i don’t feel guilt, but i work so that i don’t say bad things anyways. and why haven’t i told a therapist? because it’s who i am, i thought it was normal? you said it was because i had too many problems, just because i dont feel some things, doesn’t mean i dont feel pain

i can’t do this anymore, i can’t continue to be here for people who don’t try to understand, i can’t keep telling them it’s ok when i’m crying in the dark, i can’t keep being someone they only talk to for their own needs, i can’t keep being second, i can’t keep being their toy, i can’t keep listening as you need me to survive only because you want me to, i can’t do this anymore, i want to scream and yell and tell them how freaking messed up it is, to use me and step on me and not make an effort to understand my problems and then still call me your friend

i’ve read so many romcoms where they want to be together, to kiss and touch, and do the whole package, and i always thought: maybe i’m just broken, for not wanting that. but i realize now, love comes in many shapes and sizes, that i am not broken, i just experience love in a way that doesn’t involve kissing and touching and the whole package

hanging out with adult lesbians, married and proud, starts to make me careless. because 3 miles of a river can really bring to girls together, with moana songs and dolphin jokes and falling off a paddle board can make her eyes look like sparkling gems in the sun, even as we both burn. and i know a lesbian sees me hiding in this closet the mask is slipping, a gay sticker and a gay fan and the evidence is adding up, my mask is slipping. or maybe it already fell

hey aphrodite i’m still waiting for a soulmate, i tell myself: this is it, this is where i meet her, but it never is hey aphrodite i’m still waiting for true love i tell myself: you’ll find it soon but it never happens hey aphrodite i’m still waiting for anything hey aphrodite i’m sick of waiting

i don’t see why this must end, why the rainbows and the flags have disappeared because they shouldn’t have. june ended but pride didn’t. we are not invisible for 11 months out of 12. so why did it stop? someone tell me, obviously it isn’t this month, it’s disability pride month, but that doesn’t mean we can’t get a bit of acknowledgement shouldn’t we be free to celebrate ourselves without a designated month?

she said she’s lonely and single, and i couldn’t help but say same, but you know it’s not as bad as it’s put out to be, i don’t have to worry about texts taking too long i don’t have to worry about how they feel at any given second. i don’t have to worry about leaving this town, i could just get up and leave. i can work through my own baggage without other’s help and i am in control of my own self- without others around. so maybe don’t try to tell me being single is bad, for i’m enjoying my time without “the love of my life”

to fall for another i’m sorry would be foolish of me because he says sorry sorry sorry over and over again- and yet he never is is he? because sorry is a promise to never repeat and he is a broken record repeating repeating repeating his words his hurt his harm he brandishes the same sword for every fight it’s about time i find its weakness

romanticized her, not the one i’ve loved for a year, a fleeting fling: i liked her two weeks each summer and now i make this a romance novel: with rules and conditions and perfect moments and sneaking kisses and all the works i didn’t mean to romanticize her

when i’m around her it’s like words and thoughts move smoother my drawings get better my words get sharper and it’s amazing maybe this time she will feel the same

she’s perfect the words repeat in my head she’s perfect but she’s taken she’s perfect she’s out of my league she’s perfect she’s taken taken t a k e n she’s perfect though so so perfect

i swear i didn’t hallucinate her glares i swear i didn’t they tell me i just think the worst of everyone but i swear there was a tone in her voice but they tried to gaslight me i swear i didn’t hallucinate

how i wish to tell to the stars how badly i miss someone the way she did, to love someone enough to announce it to the world to want someone enough to scream how i wish to tell the stars how much I love i love someone the way she does

i’ve questioned my sexuality for him- maybe even changed it. but it’s worth it when he smiles at me it’s worth it when he helps me and smiles when he focuses on just me the pain disappears he makes it worth

nothing changed, i think to myself as i look into a foggy mirror in 9 weeks something must’ve changed maybe it was because my scars healed or maybe it was that i am confident maybe because i laugh and smile maybe because im not losing pounds with every meal skipped nothing changed, i think to myself as they look at me but something must’ve because the boys didn’t look at me like they were predators the boys didn’t let their gazes linger on my chest or my lips they didn’t flirt so openly with me nothing changed, i say, nothings changed

i don’t love him i swear i don’t it’s just that i love his smile and the way he laughs i love the way he walks and i love the way he talks i love watching him play his drum i love seeing excitement in his eyes i love the way he calls me girl in an endearing sort of way i love the way he’s confident and yet so unsure as well i love the way he staggers his steps the way he whispers left left left the way he counts me off and the way he vocalizes the part i love the way he says my name the way he gently tugs my harness when i’m in the wrong place i love the way we banter i love the way we talk stars and notes and beats and rhymes and yet i love it even when he gets annoyed cause i cannot play the beat it’s only because i feel his eyes focused on my feet left left left he says until i’ve got it right softer when im too loud and is careful when i almost run right into him i love the way he seems to be his kindness and the likes but i don’t love him and yet i can’t say why because i love every part i know of him so how can i not i love him i love him i love him and yet i’m scared of it being one sided

he was so close, i could smell his cologne, and it made me so flustered (sorry guys this kinda sucks i didn’t know what to write and i wanted to write a haiku)

I wonder if The next person to love me Won’t see the stretch marks that Cross my skin like lightning With disgust I hope the don’t see my scars With distain I hope they find the marks upon My mind and soul Beautiful I hope they don’t find the problems with me Revolting Because I just want their love But it’s terrifying to think That i might not be enough

i swear i’m over you i’ll say with jealousy when you talk about him i have a crush he isn’t you i swear i like him but part of me will always love you always yearn for you to give me the loving i wished for to regard me first and not second to him it makes me want to cry i want him but i also want you i don’t want you i can’t want you stop it stop it stop it my head is spinning it’s you or him i don’t know anymore tears streaming down my cheeks neither of you will love ME why won’t you LOVE ME why won’t he love me tears tears tears i’ve known you longer but i suffered with him save me save me save me left left left right stop ready halt pain and tears he’s seen but you have too i want you to love me i want him to love me

homecoming dresses full and long it fits nice i look okay but i dont really feel quite like me, i mean i have the dress i have some confidence i have the ticket all i need is someone to go with i would’ve asked him but he can’t come no one from other schools i could’ve asked her but i don’t want to lead her on i could flirt with him but do i truly like him? pretty people in pretty clothes who shall ask me though? i can’t ask someone for i have no one to ask maybe i have a secret admirer i guess that’d be nice, but they aren’t really, truly him pretty people in pretty clothes anyone, i could pick and yet i only want the one i could not possibly have

he saved me at least from a solid injury and lots of embarrassment i mean he cares, i think he let me help him he helps me insisting actually i don’t know what to think i wish i wish he likes me something romantic in fact he just needs to give me a sign just one i wish i wish i wish he could love me

i want to YELL not because i’m mad because i freaking LOVE him and he doesn’t know it he doesn’t know that him saving me gave me butterflies that him choosing to help me with my drum made me giddy he doesn’t know i find his braces oddly attractive or the way he hits his drum or the way he smiles I WANT TO YELL because he doesn’t know i like him because i can’t quite like him yet two grades higher no hoco no prom nothing of the sort but i wish it could be wish he could take me to hoco i wish he did like me like me as much as i like him he doesn’t though, not that i know of at least

i want to know you your favorite color tell me about your life hobbies interests tell me about your mom about your dad about the bus you ride your classes how you know about football why you love marching band you never asked but i swear im not the person i show you i’m stronger than i look i practice i work my ass off just to see you i want to tell you i want to tell you how much i like you but you barely know i exist one word texts and whatnot but you laugh at my jokes help me with things eye contact so much eye contact your eyes are gorgeous i can’t sit there knowing your unwavering gaze is upon me what do i do damned if i tell you damned if i don’t (yall advice pls)

i remember when it was a schoolyard crush then it was like-liking someone elementary dating, holding hands through the halls it sucked, sure, but it was enough and then they needed more they needed hands under my shirt they needed their tongue in my mouth they needed and they took i became a figure in the the dark, thick thighs and pleasure, something coveted until the light. and it sucked but it wasn’t enough i wasn’t enough and i tried to speak up but “boys will be boys,” they said so the finger to my mouth held my dignity and shame save me but they don’t listen, it’s not enough IM NOT ENOUGH save me

i don’t want him to like me he’s my best friend that would ruin everything but i feel it in the way he looks at me the way he talks to me more the way his hand touched mine, not on accident it hurts i don’t want him to like me i don’t even know if he does but it feels that way like he does. i hope he doesn’t i wish he doesn’t i like someone else and even tho i say, ginger ale in hand and sang together doesn’t mean i like him like that he’s my best friend i don’t want to be more

he brought her a sign he brought her fucking flowers roses two bunches of them and they were beautiful a whole paparazzi behind him and she said yes and i don’t know either of them but god i want that i want those flowers and a sign the works the cliches i want love please all i want is reciprocated love because sure i like him a lot but i only see him rarely and he doesn’t like me back i want love and flowers the pretty words and sappy notes and love songs i want holding hands and smiles years of anniversaries getting to invite them to the parties a christmas present my parents could like them too i don’t even care if they let me go (i say that now but i know i would care thoroughly) but at least id know it was real if i cried he bought her flowers flowersflowersflowers say it til it isn’t a word anymore because god i want flowers