i used to tell my parents

to close the closet door,

because looking into the dark

made shivers run along my spine.

i dont ask them to close the closet door anymore

but i still avert my gaze...

i think i’ve outgrown my body,

because the numbers describing my body

never seem to be acceptable

with a waist too big

and breasts too small,

how am i supposed to hear friends and mom

tell me im beautiful,

when i dont fulfill

the bullshit expectations of society

that i may or may not

desperately try to follow

if only to fail and try again...

Please don’t touch me,

Hurt me if you must, but-

On your life swear, you’ll never touch me,

But i won’t run

If you do,

All i’ll do is suffer

(y’all i was trying to write abt my fear of rape and everything along that line but i don’t think i delivered that message well so im telling you instead)...

you ask me how i am as your conversation starter

and i will tell you that im crappy

that im tired

that im anything but scared,

because i cannot be scared when you’re around

because you’re busy with your own troubles,

because you’re relying on me to help you,

because you think about suicide and i-

i can’t help you with that,

that is you’re battle.

but i will never tell you i’m scared,

because as lo...

i think there’s a monster inside my head

i think it’s slowly ripping and shredding

my brain to bits,

relishing in the destroyed neurons and lost blood

i think sometimes, it gets sick of being stuck

it’s understandable- to get sick of being stuck,

i am too,

but then it claws and bangs against my skull

i feel it,

it watches through my eyes,

it inhabits my dreams too

i wonder if the monster inside my...

i don’t know what to write about,

so i’ll write about her,

my best friend

since fifth grade

but now…

now she’s growing away.

i am no longer her first,

in fact, i don’t think i ever was.

maybe for a brief moment,

in the beginning-

but not any longer.

and she isn’t the first i go to anymore,

she’s not even on the top five list of friends.

we’re still friendly, sure,

and i could still, so easily fal...

i don’t know what this means

a situationship?

i don’t know.

i’m scared,

i’m so scared.

because it’s her

it’s not like last time,

when she was just a new acquaintance

and before then it was all or nothing,

but now it’s delicate,

so fragile…

and i’m so scared.

because he really fucked me up

and now i shy away from these

kinds of relationships

but now she knows i like her sort of,

that it’s almost a...

when water flooded the earth

nobody died,

in fact it was the start of life itself

how ironic...

i want a partner,

someone gentle and kind and-

maybe they love me...

i’m watching her wither away

her ex toxic and

won’t go away

and her friends gaslight her

into thinking she’s the villain

and i can do nothing

i’m sorry my dear friend

but i cannot help you

until you stop inhaling the poisoned air...