How to not be sad: By Amelia Failsworth

Chapter 1: Starting your journey

Anyone reading this book, is most likely sad, and while that is undoubtedly unfortunate, it is also a fact of life. But as you read this book you will learn about my personal struggles, and how they can help you better yourself, you will learn tactics and strategies to help you prevent sadness.

Without further ado, here is a bit of my story:

I grew up in a mansion, lonely, with only 4 younger siblings, and less than a dozen friends. I got everything I wanted, but It made me greedy. It made me always want more. I was never hungry and I had maids that cleaned up after me, and once I was in school I was getting straight A’s. Now in my opinion that life is ten times harder than that of someone who is poor and unfed, because it left me defenseless once I was in my private highschool where I didn’t know anyone but My friend group of my entire grade. But I have gone through many hardships, I didn’t win prom queen senior year, and I didn’t get the lead in the school play. I didn’t have kids until I was 22 and wasn’t married until I was 19. So I feel with all my hardships I am a fully qualified mental health professional, especially since I have a degree in fashion.

If you are feeling sad. The first step, is to try not being sad. Sometimes when I feel sad I throw things and yell at my husband for doing everything right. But there are so many things tht make me happy, like money, cleaning, being privileged, and locking my kids in the basement!

If you try those things and they work, let me know in the comments down below! Silly me this a book!

If those things do not work, Wikepedia says see a therapist. But my uncle joe went to a therapist once, and now he is forever locked up in an asylum. I told him not to tell the doctor about summer of 76’. So Wikepedia is wrong. Its always wrong. Just like when it said the earth isn’t flat, I mean who says that.

My husband said that when he is said he takes a shower, drinks a beer, and reads the newspaper. I do think he may be seeing someone else though. I won’t confront him, I have been cheating on him weekly for years. Janice if you are reading this, yes I have a husband. Yes i am straight. Flings don’t count. Janice makes me happy, my husband does not. I don’t think thats bad, I think that just marriage.

I asked my kids what they do when they are sad, Andy wouldn’t say anything, the dumb boy has never spoken a word in his life. My oldest, brittany, says she cries herself to sleep when she is sad, I guess that is affective. My middle child gracie may said that when she is sad, she talks to her dad or her school councilor. I don’t think schools should have concilers, its making the kids soft.

I am bad at math, but I polled everyone in the neighborhood about what they do when they are sad and here are the results:

10% say that they use substances or alcohol.

That seems healthy!

20% say that they see a therapist

Those people are no longer my friends.

1% of people said they Read self help books like mine (only $99.99 by the way)

50% said they consume saddening media

82% said they punch walls

67% said they alter their appearance

8% said they would not talk to me

And the remaining 9% said they shop till they drop.

I do sincerely hope this first chapter gave a good introduction do how I can help you not be sad. Consider buying my book from @AmeliaFailsworthIsBetterThanYouAndEveryoneElseToo.Net It would greatly increase my happiness. And I could spend the money on more plastic surgery. Enjoy my book, and your long miserable life. Toodles