TW: Pain, cussing, and mentions of past traumas

it hurts

It fucking hurts

And I want answers

It doesn’t have to get better

I just want to know why I can’t move

I overdid it yesterday

And that is my fault

But I went back to what I love

To quickly

It wasn’t safe

This is why I hate my fucking body

I danced for the first time in a year

Without thinking of her

Or how she made me feel

Without thinking of her threats

Her taunts and her jeers

I danced without her breathing down my neck

And It felt beautiful

But of course it all came crumbling around me

Because it always does

Because I can’t have one fucking good thing

And it hurts

God it hurts

I can’t move without pain

And I can barely stay awake

It feels like my legs are being pulled away

And I am walking theough water simultaneously

Last night my hip would not stay in place

Popped out of socket with every step

But all this pain reminds me

Of the first day of what happened with **_her_**

How _she_ pushed me past my limits

How _she_ made me cry

How I was hurting every day

And I hid it all inside

How _she_ threatened to make it worse

And said how nice

When we told her about our problems

Came begging for advice

It hurts

It fucking hurts

My legs make me want to scream

But I can’t do anything

Because no one seems to listen

I said its a nine on the pain scale

And no one payed attention

They didn’t make me walk more

But dammit

A nine is a lot

And Thats more for you

Because you are not in pain

twenty four seven

It hurts to move my legs

And my arms feel like cement

I can’t stand in the shower

For five minutes to wash my fair

For the fear of my fucking legs giving out

I am 14

Why do I have to joints of a grandma

Why do I want to cry

You could guess you could try

But no one knows

I have diagnoses

But all they say

Is take more medicine

Try this drug

But I am sick of fucking pills

And I am scared of pain killers

But I take them

And Take them

So That i don’t hurt

Take four when its bad

Three when it hurts

Only once or twice a week

But I always feel so guilty

Why does the pain

Seem to consume me

Why do I have to complain

I just want a hug

Someone to say its alright

Someone who lets me breakdown

For the third time today

I just want someone to realize

I should not be so high on the pain scale

And I want to stand

Without the pain

But yeah no I don’t need a cane

Because its just for balance

But days like this I would kill for a mobility aid

I just want to scream

I want to not have to stand

Because everything hurts

No matter if I am still or not

And Its not even the first time