My pigtails whipped through the wind,

As I struggled to balance my pink bike.

Nine years ago, I wasn’t afraid to fall

It’s like I’m growing sideways because

Now so much older, my biggest fear

Is, you probably guessed it, falling.

I’ve built up a decent support system

I’ve found some goals to work towards

I’ve found ways to calm my thoughts down

But I can’t escape the fear of everything

Slowly crumbling to the floor or everything

Being erased completely because of one thing

I can’t escape the fear of the unknown, because

What if everything I gained isn’t enough to

Support everything I will need in the future?

I lose sleep stressing over worst case scenarios

That haven’t even happened yet because I know

That one small crack could crumble a whole tower

If I make one mistake, I spend the next days

Planning out a million ways to avoid it in the future

I analyze every interaction, as if they are science

I know that I shouldn’t, and I try hard to stop it

But when I let my brain wander, it goes manic

And sometimes I don’t have the energy to shut it

So I don’t, and it just makes things worse

Recently, my what ifs have gotten really dark

Because when there’s a problem, my brain goes

And makes it more of a problem. It prepares me

For the worst and somehow, it can calm me down

To imagine the worst what if possible

What if I crash out because of hard classes?

What if my college essay isn’t expressive enough?

What if I lose everyone and it’s all my fault?

What if I have bad days for absolutely no reason?

What if everything just falls apart?

What if what if what if what if ughhhhhhh

I really don’t want to have to think like this

I just want to be at peace with everything

I just want to be happy with where I’m at

I want to stop being mad at people for

Something they did so long ago or something

I heard about but eventually got resolved

I want to accept what I have and make a

Good and enjoyable life out of it

I want to focus on achieving my goals for only me

That’s what I want

But will I ever get it?

I really really don’t know