“Hello, welcome to Burger King, how may I help you?”

“Uh yes hi. Can I get the baddy burger combo with a Dr Coke and a side of curly fries with paprika, cayenne pepper, and garlic powder?” What a stupid dare. At least the drive thru worker would get a kick out of it.

I did not expect them to gasp like I had announced I was the messiah. “It is him! Oh what a joyous day!”

“I’m sorry, what?”

“THE CEREMONY SHALL BE TONIGHT!” The drive thru lady shouted. Was this their way to deal with annoying customers or something? “ALL HAIL THE BURGER KING!”

If I was being entirely honest, it was pretty funny. But she really didn’t need to oversell it that much. It went a little too far when she said, “pull up to the second window, your majesty.”

The dude at the second window couldn’t have been older than a softmore in high school. He reached out the window and shook my hand, blabbing about what an honor my presence was, while noticeably not handing me any food.

Then this kid had the guts to pull me out of my own car (how he had anywhere near enough strength evaded me) and into the restaurant. What were they going to do to my car? I needed the hunk of garbage; there was no way I could walk all the way home to my crappy apartment.

The high schooler did not let go of my arm, though I didn’t know why. He yanked me into a room labeled “Employees only”. For clarification, I was not an employee for Burger King and never was, but maybe this was where they verbally abused bratty prank callers.

I couldn’t tell the size of the room despite straining my eyes against the lack of light. If this was some sort of kidnapping, I desperately wished I had taken those karate lessons when I was six.

Some person stepped forward in a cloak and began chanting in a language I couldn’t understand. But it also could’ve been pig Latin, for all I knew.

“We have long awaited the day when our savior would come and take their place as the rightful King of the Burgers.”

I really appreciated their dedication to the bit, because you could not have pay me to do this. But, hey, I could play along.

“Yes, peasant, it is I, your noble, strong, and incredibly humble leader. Now, is it time for my coronation?”

“Nearly, my lord, but first, you must choose your Queen.” What the heck were they going on about now? I didn’t want anyone else dragged into this. Maybe this was my opportunity to bail.

“Okay, well, this has been a very interesting experience for us all. Trust me, as much as I’d love to become the head of a fast food chain worth over five billion dollars—“

The lady who was supposed to take my ludicrous order burst in, panting comically. “Sir! The Dairy Queen is here! Shall I let her in?”

“But of course!” Replied Sir Hoodie The Problem Maker.

The Dairy Queen wore an oversized band shirt and looked as in need of caffeine as I felt. She met my gaze and shot me what I could only assume was a “do YOU understand what’s going on??” Look.

“I just wanted an Oreo McFrosty with jalapeños! Y’all didn’t need to take me to some rat infested Burger King.” She crossed her arms, surveying the room with obvious disgust.

“Woah there, don’t insult my Burger King that I totally own now.”

“Your majesties, we must get you to your thrones immediately.” I was beginning to think that this wasn’t an oddly thought out joke. My friends were expecting me back by now, but my phone was still in my car and I had no clear line of escape, so I let myself be pulled into yet another secret room.

I thought it was originally some sort of boiler room, with snakelike pipes and insulation seeming to writhe and intertwine together. There was an actual lamp that finally blessed my eyes with light, but it flickered dangerously often. I was expecting the ‘thrones’ to be a couple of metal folding chairs, but nothing could have prepared me for the golden seats before me. They were likely faux gold with fake leather and plastic gems, but they looked so radiant and lifelike it tricked my heart into believing they were real. I wanted them to be real. They could’ve been, right? I mean, the people who owned the chain had to be millionaires or even billionaires.

The seats were dyed a rich purple and were studded with rubies. The carved, curving head was glistening in the low light. It seemed to beckon me closer. If I could sell something as extravagant as that, maybe I wouldn’t have to fight so hard to make ends meet, for a month or two at least. My debt from school had been suffocating, a Sisyphean task where whenever I felt close to getting out of the red, the next month’s cost flattened me like a boulder.

I turned to the Dairy Queen girl to tell her my plan, only to find she had already flung herself across the slightly larger of the two thrones, issuing orders to the obedient employees. Once they had gone, I sat down in the remaining chair, unable to get comfortable.

“We should take the chairs and get out of here. We could sell them and split the profits.”

She stared at me like I had suggested making a swimming pool filled with goat milk. “Do you have brain cells or simply choose not to use them? Think bigger! Two of the most popular fast food chains in America are worth a little more than a couple phony thrones. Ask the people here to give us what we want. Then we can take the money and run.”

The idea should be so appealing, but for some reason, it made my skin itch. “It just doesn’t feel right. It doesn’t belong to us.”

“Oh, look who has a moral compass all of a sudden! Look, I get that you have to be in a pretty low place to want to steal a fake chair. Is this not the answer to your financial problems?”

It was. I hated that it was. The solution was laid at my feet on a silver platter, and I was too cowardly to seize it. I guess that really said something about my character.

“I’m really sorry, but I can’t do that. Have fun with your money scheme.” I made sure to drag the chair behind me as I left, and since I was king, no one questioned me on my way out.

By some miracle, I was able to find my car and phone again to find dozens of texts asking if I had completed the dare and where I was.

They wouldn’t have believed me if I told them.

I normally don’t do a lot of humor stuff, but I figured I’d give it a try. This might not be my best work, so as always, feel free to give feedback; I’m here to improve!

(Shoutout to “🪻Delphinium🪻” for coming up with this idea and being a wonderful motivator person! :))