normality is myth in my l i f e

and i have a deadly problem

that i cant fix

and my therapist says its a forever thing

she said she might send me a long ways

away

and sometimes the burn helps it all feel a little less

real

but i’m okay

normality is a myth to m e

but i can keep up the act

as long as they don’t send me away

i swear,

i’ll be okay

right?...

and how am i supposed to explain to her

that she didn’t do anything or say anything to send me

spiraling

my thoughts simply screamed broken whispers in my ears

and made me believe i wasn’t worth her devotion...

i must be a bad person

because things like this don’t happen to good people

i can’t sleep and i don’t remember how

to eat right anymore

it’s not on purpose

i didn’t fall in love with you on purpose

but it happened again

fool me once, shame on me but

fool me twice,

and i’m drowning in shame and disappointment and disgust

and i can’t remember how to eat right

anymore

i’m so...

i am in love with love

but love doesn’t love me back

how long can i search for someone to

bandage me better without falling asleep at the wheel

who’s left when comfort is too much to ask for

and their promises of reassurance hurt more than the words that felt

just a little too sharp

“i’m sorry” is my favorite phrase, always hot

(burning) (stinging) (scratching)

on my tongue...

recently, i’ve been feeling so fucking

alone...

you hurt like chain whips lashing over your back

you hurt like a punishment

you hurt like death

so i smile like sunshine

so i hold your hand in the dark

and i kiss your words better

every night

i shake like a leaf in the wind

and when my head hits the pillow my eyes

don’t close

you hurt like ice, frigid and black

you hurt like a noose

you hurt with no room for me to hurt

you hurt...

the burden of a memory

incomplete

and a wall that should have holes

burned in the plaster from her stare

the song of a heart

untuned

and a candle flame flicking

around a stinging silver lip

the whispers of a mind,

wandering,

and the unshed tears of a girl

too lost

too broken, but seemingly not broken

enough

cracked but not yet shattered,

thoughts scattered

in the wind

ain’t no one’s hands

h...

i’d rather stay

forgotten

then become a

thought

that

keeps you

from

sleeping

at

night...

it’s under my skin

tearing and ripping, clawing to get out

it’s curled in my brain,

slurping and drinking, my thoughts simply soup

it swims in my veins,

thumping and shaking, pulsing through me

it lives behind my eyes,

pounding and punching, tears streaming down

down down

when someone raises their voice when their

tone shifts, when they don’t text me with

extra letters trailing off the end of the...

a strong sense of dread

undercurrents

the ocean

rocks and rocks

and rocks

choppy waves and

panic

sets in

crashing

harsh

shoreline

breathy echo

echo

echo

inhale

exhale

whale cries give way to

silence

serenity is a

gift never given

a strong sense of dread

drags the boat

down

down

down...