(satirical piece)

Hey, do you wanna be cool?

Start having a life where you don’t drool?

Where does everybody think you’re a great guy?

So great that you’re a superhuman and make for a good friend?

Even though they don’t know you?

They don’t truly connect with you. Do they see you for who you are?

Why, if you want to be that great guy

Buy Greedy Green’s great, new, ultra-soft shoes!

These shoes fit anyone and everyone!

So that everyone can buy it!

Don’t listen to any of the reviews!

They’re made by Natzi, KKK lovers!

“The shoes are way too tight and too loose!”

“These shoes are too heavy!”

“These shoes suck with having no cushioning!”

“The shoes have such high stack height!”

“These shoes are always in the wrong shape!”

“I keep getting blisters and bunions!”

“I can’t run at all in these shoes!”

“They look so ugly, and I might have skin cancer around my feet!”

Get out of here!

Stop lying, you KKK and Natzi lovers!

You anti-semites and racists!

Wait, what do you mean I’m wrong?

Isn’t it true that the KKK hates them Jews?

The greedy, hooked-nose, disloyal, beady-eyed, over-dramatic geniuses?

Isn’t it true that the Natzis hate them blacks?

The musically talented, dim, hyper-horny, super athletic criminals?

Wait, what do you mean I can’t say that?

Because it’s wrong?

Oh, no, it exposes the boss of Greedy Green’s?

Despite him saying he supports blacks and Jews?

Oh, the stupid consumer’s I gotta say something like a “Yeah, man!

If you don’t buy these shoes, these awesome shoes?

You’re an anti-semite, a racist, and uncool!

So go ahead and buy these two-million-dollar shoes!”

Only a call away from Greedy Green’s hotline

Which I’m not telling you the numbers for

Because you should be cool enough to already know!

So know already!

Buy these advanced, high-quality shoes!

Made out of advanced tech and pure coolness!

Just buy the shoes! Just do it already!

Because you’re already gonna buy it without me telling you!