**_Chapter 5: The List to Success

_**Now**_ _**that you’ve read my personal experiences with living, laughing and loving, which is me constantly battling the cloud of despair and jealousy that looms and causes me to fight the urge to scream and cry out in agony, I’m ready to give you the tips I _SWEAR_ by!

This simple, five-stepped list will assist you in overcoming the slump known as the Mariana Trench of hopelessness by giving you an outlook on life so sweet and stimulating that you will feel glad that you bought this book for $99.99 ($110.99 if you live in Canada).

Before I list them, be sure to remember the acronym we spoke of in chapter three; memorizing it will give you a better insight on this list, and in your life im general. With pride, call yourself a LOSER!

**L**oving and fun

**O**ptimistic being,

**S**urrounded in whimsy,

**E**very single day,

**R**egardless of the wall of sadness that looms!

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1. **Cry. Just cry.**

Jerking out those salt droplets of yours whenever you feel them start to sting your eyeballs is an outstanding way to LL&L (no, I’m not writing it out)!

_“Why?”_ You may ask?

Well, once you cry nonstop for hours, you can get a good look at life, duh! According to… accreditedsourcenumber7059.net, crying gives you a sense of relief, a drowsiness that will lead you to the best nap of your life and you feeling better as soon as you wake!

**2. Eat chocolate**

Yum yum, depression’s nemesis is such a delight,

Your teeth might rot, but at least you followed LOSER, right?

It is actually correct_ (in the real world, not this whimsical fantasy world we all live in, unfortunately)_ that eating dark chocolate will reduce your risk of depression, though it’s not a cure (unfortunately, also).

I’m being serious; go look it up.

Don’t you dare take a peek at the Gemini google AI thingymabob either 😡 ai is not allowed in my Christian household.

**3. Remain ignorant!**

This cruel world is nothing but a distraction from the butterflies and bees you can forever be. (You should quote that next time you post on social media)

This doesn’t mean you shouldn’t care of what other people think of you, of course. You should do that everyday for the rest of your life! _(See more in Chapter 10: everyone’s opinions matter _🧚🏽_ (even the ones that are tearing my very soul apart) for more information on this)_

But truly, it’s best to not know how much the earth is shattering before our eyes, so you can instead LL&L! (I’m still not writing it all out)

**4. You think I really planned all of this out?**

Meow meow meow _ meow meow meow meow meow meow AUGHHHHHH lalalalalalalalalalalala _(If you type the italicized bit into YouTube, you’ll find the video that’ll go with it if you’re curious. It’s video with the guy eating out of a Chinese food thing as the thumbnail)

Why is life like this why is life like this why is life like this why is life like this why is life like this why is life like this why is life like this why is life like this why is life like this why is life like this why is life like this

*Insert something beautiful and whimsical*

**5. Dwell on what you don’t have!!**

This can go hand in hand with number one!

Constantly thinking of what you could possibly have that’ll make your life at least ten times better.

Wether it be the love and comfort of another soul, or money, or that McDonald’s cup of something that you found in Walmart that stands without an owner, or even that convenient gizmo that you definitely don’t need and just want to get because you love participating in the art of overconsumption, feeling even worse about things is the key!

And it’s so much better to not even try to get what you want! Especially that gizmo. You really don’t need it.

Try to take the McDonald’s cup though; it’s the only reason to LL&L (I’M NOT WRITING IT ALL OUT, STOP ASKING ME-)

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Now that we have the list covered, I advise you to practice them all for a week. You’ll witness astonishing results in your life that will certainly change your outlook, if nothing else in this book has helped.

**_(This is satire (obviously)! I hope it was funny and you enjoyed it!!) _**

**_(also, I know this isn’t poetry, but after pressing the poetry button for 124 days, it’s a habit that looks right)_**