I hate it

And I love it.

It hurts

And I need it.

I went back to Spotify after using other music for a while.

I scrolled through my playlists and added my old favorites to a collection of heartbreak,

Looking for the most depressing shit I could find.

I wanted the melodies, the lyrics, the rhythms to drag my heart through nails,

Not this.

Not memories.

Because now I’m shaking and crying because_ I remember_.

I remember loving.

I remember being loved.

I remember being happy.

I remember being safe

And warm

And calm.

I remember being sad

And scared

And broken.

I remember hugging a pillow to my chest,

Smiling and light.

I remember holding the pillow close as I screamed into it,

Thinking I was going insane.

Every song is like a shot to the heart,

Every familiar lyric like knives raking through my skin.

I remember feeling _everything_,

Being so full of life and love.

I remember being alive.

I remember you.

Each of my memories feels like it’s wrapping around me,

Hovering in my vision and whispering in my ears.

Like fog, it blurs everything else,

Leaving me empty and whole at the same time.

Will I ever feel that alive again?

How am I supposed to live like this,

Dying every day,

When I remember how it felt to be alive?