Ate a candle because it looked like cheesecake.

Bought a llama online during a blackout.

Cried when it arrived because I named him “Gary” before knowing his vibe.

Didn’t vibe. Gary’s judging me. Constantly.

Emailed the moon asking for a refund on 2025.

Forgot I don’t own a blender. Tried using a shoe.

Got smoothies and emotional damage.

Hugged a cactus. On purpose. Needed the attention.

Ice cream fell, so I laid down next to it.

Joined a pyramid scheme just to feel included.

Kicked myself out of it for asking too many questions.

Lit a scented candle. Summoned something. It winked.

Made a lasagna. Accidentally used glue instead of cheese.

Named it “Art.” Put it in a gallery. Sold it for $800.

Overwhelmed? Me? No. I only scream recreationally.

Prepared a resume entirely in limericks.

Quit my job before they could fire me for the limericks.

Ran a marathon by accident. Thought it was a food truck line.

Screamed internally. Then externally. Then legally.

Tried yoga. Pulled something existential.

Uploaded my soul to the cloud. Lost the password.

Vacuum caught fire. Blamed Mercury in retrograde.

Wrote a novel in one night. It’s just the word “WHY” 300 pages long.

Xylophone solo at 3am. Neighbors left muffins and a restraining order.

Yelled at a pigeon. It yelled back. I lost.

Zoom call was still on. Said all this out loud. Hired anyway.