I cant remember anything i enjoyed , i just feel so annoyed !

I was 8 when you left , i had my chance to say goodbye but i didn't understand.

That you wouldn't be by my side , i was so naive i thought you were on a school trip .

I tried not to cry because people saw my situation as weakness so i learned to speak less .

It not like they could bring you back .

So i packed away everything that made me think of you to stop the tears from being seen .

When i became a teen i moved school it was a test of will not your average thrill , you see these halls you used to walk it like i was connected to you in some way there were days it brought me so much rain and other a comfort . I was scared of getting subjected to bullying again just because i was weak so i swore to never speak your name . Sure , i was ashamed of being in pain .

I tried to forget who i was , my whole identity . You see my peers finally revealed my fear when the truth came out having to face everyone blinded concern " i'm so sorry for your loss " blah blah blah . So hear we are ! I put myself through hell going to the school walking past the scene they said he didn't even have the chance to scream that he would of been brain dead on impact that makes it okay . That better right ?

Well the PE teacher i hated his guts he conducted CPR but it didn't work i mean he tried . But he still died . I tried to forgive myself for the way i reacted they made me lie to apologies saying i was out of line that i wasn't able to express my anger cause it caused a reaction so it left me in detention .

I was dealing with my grief a bit late that's probably true but does that make it okay that i was punished for the way i felt . An hour later they expected me to talk and trust them they said they could tell i was hurt but i cant go accusing in front of my class like the only thing they cared about was the gossip that was getting passed around .

No matter what i do i cant face the truth of how it feel to be without you . There is someone always missing from the photos and all the times i could've done with some advice from my big brother all i could do was pray to see you on day . I haven't been okay since you left everything just fell apart . i lost so much trust well losing you was just a tip of the scale and I've definitely failed in so many ways and i could share every regret if you have enough time but even that wouldn't make it fine .

life is really a cruel game . what the point ... you say ?

How many souls can you touch will it be too much .

Will they even remember for longer than just December.