Falling feels like flying

Until the moment that you land

Then you’re like aw shit that hurt ahhh...

“That’s my goldfish!” Screamed my six year old son.

I kneeled down to my son and grabbed both his shoulders and looked him in the eyes.

“James, this is not your goldfish. I don’t know how to tell you this.. but it’s an imposter.”

“No! Mr. Golden Fishy isn’t sus! You’re sus! He speaks to me you know, he tells me that you’re not my real dad. He tells me you’re an alien.”

My heart rate became r...

“I challenge you to a battle of wits. A game of chess. If I win, you and your army pull back and leave us be. If you win, we will surrender unconditionally.”

“Deal.”

“I’ll play white. Let us begin.”

She played e4. He responded with e5. She moved her queen to h5. He played pawn d6. She moved her bishop to c4. He moved his knight to f6. Her queen takes the pawn on f7. “Checkmate,” she said, cross...

The Necromancer

Chants his sacrament of death

The dead start to rise

Skeletal hands dig

Their way towards a blood moon

Breaking through the earth

Lovers once before

They said “til death do us part”

Embracing after

Thousand years isolation

Now their love will never die...

Mitch puts his head on his desk and throws his arms over to muffle his scream. After recollecting himself, he opens his work email.

MITCH. EXPENSE REPORTS. DONE BY NOON. ON MY DESK. NOON.

Expense reports. I’ll show you expense reports, you fuck. Mitch reaches under his desk and draws out his trusty long sword. The same sword that slayed the three Gexnon-headed in the village of Gib. What a fine...

I am the lost

I am the found

I am the light

I am the sound

I am the wind that whistles

I am the sun that blisters

I am the riptide dragging you down

I am the whirlpool that drowns

I am the death

I am the life

I am the destruction

I am the reconstruction

I am the storm that floods

I am the avalanche that buries

I am the atom split in two

I am the life becoming anew...

“I need to confess something.. I did it. Now, can you pass the wine?” Said Mr. Frisbee

“May you pass the wine,” said Sir Reginald.

“May you pass the wine.”

“May you pass the wine, what?”

“Please, Sir Reginald, I don’t have time for manners. This is quite urgent.”

“Oh, but you just said please? Now, why couldn’t you add that after asking for the wine?”

Sir Reginald was hardly paying attentio...

YEAH BUD I JUST BOARDED THE PLANE.

Oh fuck me he’s gonna be on the phone the whole flight.

YEAH BUD I WILL BE IN MIAMI IN A FEW

HOURS. AFTER TOUCH DOWN MEET ME AT MARTYS FOR A COUPLE OF BREWSKIS AND THEN WE CAN GO CHASE SOME TEENAGE TAIL

Who the fuck says “brewskis” unironically? And chase teenage tail? Bro is pushing 50.

ZAYNE HAS SOME COLUMBIAN NOSE CANDY FOR US. GIVE US AN UPPER HAND WIT...

“Liz! They lost my luggage! I don’t have my tuxedo for the wedding!”

“The wedding is canceled, Mitch. Bonnie got hit by a bus on the way to the ceremony. She’s… she’s dead..”

“Oh thank god, I would’ve been so embarrassed.”...

I want my iPad

Mommy says, “NO MORE iPAD!”

I must kill mommy...