“Are you fucking kidding me?” I shouted at my phone. Why is it when one thing goes wrong, everything seems to follow?

This morning I woke up and I knew this was going to be a terrible day. Mostly because what woke me up was the sound of my roommates cat heaving and then the warm splat of barf I felt seap through my quilt.

Then I had burnt my toast, followed by my check engine light coming on. From there things cascaded. At work, two people called in sick meaning I had to run inventory at the bookstore I work at along with running the register all day. On lunch, my $18 stale burrito, dripped salsa all over my white blouse. Then I had a string of the meanest customers, “no I’m sorry, there isn’t a third book - I believe the author died.” Which is somehow my fault? And “Ma’m I understand you’re yelling because you wanted the Kira knightly version? You understand this is a book store correct?”

Which has all led us here. My car won’t start and my Uber app will not load on my god damned phone.

“Are you alright miss?” The voice came from a middle aged man who had just walked around the corner of the parking lot where my car had decided to let me down. He was about my height, short for a man, with full salt and pepper hair and a sharp pointed nose. As I looked there was something off about him that I couldn’t quite place. His clothes were modern and clean but obviously too large for his narrow frame. His ears were warm and he walked with a slight limp on his left side.

“Oh, um, yeah. I’m fine. Just a frustrating day. Sorry about that.” I mumbled.

“Why on earth are you telling me sorry?” He asked with a deep furrow of his brow.

“Oh, I meant, I’m sorry for the swearing and for my, uh, attitude, I guess.” Honestly, all women say sorry too much.

“So you’re sorry for expressing yourself? Never be sorry for that!” He said with a surprising little turn, his unsteadiness seeming to disappear.

I was right - this guy is a little off.

“Ok, well, I’ll work on that.”

“Would you like help?”

“From you?” I swear to god if this guy hands me a card I might have a break down right here. I can’t handle any more shit today.

“Yes. From me and my co…mpany. We are always looking for people who need to learn to free their true selves.” Great, I found a cult leader. Just my luck.

“No, I’m fine. Thank you. I, um, have to be going. I think my Uber is almost here.”

“Oh you know Umber? You must be the one! I’ll get us there faster - just say a word and we’ll be off.”

“Look bud—“ before I can finish it’s like the world is being pulled a part. My vision stretches and contracts, colors kaleidoscope across my vision and my body feels like jello.

When my feet finally seem to find solid ground my stomach catches up all at once and I drop to my knees heaving.

“Ah yes, the first time using that spell usually comes with nausea. My apologies for forgetting to prepare you.” The man said with a slight bow.

I looked around and I seemed to be in some kind of meadow - definitely not a parking lot. What the actual fuck?!

With my heart racing and my breaths shallow I try and figure out what the hell is going on.

“Are you feeling better? I don’t think you want to stay down there much long.” The man said in a haughty tone as he stepped gingerly away from my vomit. “Oh and look, here’s Umber now!” He stood on his tip toes and waved to a new man walking towards them.

This had to be the largest man I’d ever seen. Towering at what had to be 7 feet with broad shoulders and a big round belly. His dark hair seemed to cover every inch including a beard hanging half way down his belly.

“Malachi, who is this?” The man (I assume is Umber?) bellowed towards my new cult leader with (seeemingly) magical powers.

“Why this is who we’ve been waiting for! She has uncontrollable feelings laced with rage, she said a word to activate the spell, and she even mentioned you!” He said with a clap of his hands.

“That may all be true but this is not the chosen one,” Umber replied.

“But, but, what do you mean?” Malachi shouted.

“The prophecy tells of the chosen one who will learn to channel their rage into action, feelings into drive, and he will lead our coven to victory under my guidance.” Umber replied calmly.

“Yes, exactly!” Shouted Malachi.

“So don’t you see the problem?” Grumbled Umber

“What problem?”

“Malachi, you idiot, that is clearly a woman.”

“Oh, HE, well…shit,” Malachi trailed off to a whisper.

Isn’t this my fucking luck?