I still remember the third of December __ Me in your sweater __ You said it looked better on me than it did you __ Only if you knew __ How much I liked you __ But I watch your eyes as she walks by…

I lay on my bed staring at the ceiling above. You know, the one that he used to say was like a real glimpse into space. Stars that glowed like fireflies looked back at me almost in a sort of inquisitive way. “Where is he?” they asked.

He’s with his girl. Obviously it’s not me…

The song “Heather” plays over my speaker while the world continues on without me. Funny how a song seems to be able to express your feelings more than you ever can. My best friend, Xander Ulitsares, since preschool has a girlfriend. I have liked him ever since I could imagine, but I didn’t ever want to tell him for fear of it ruining our friendship. I still haven’t told him. Part of me thinks that maybe if I had, he would be with me right now, instead of at Bethany Hillbirds house.

He’s called her pretty before, but I thought it was just an observation. He’s called me beautiful. I guessed it was like that, but I was wrong.

She’s got you mesmerized while I die…

Tears slip down my cheeks. God, that line couldn’t be more real. Bethany is a fake. I never told Xander the multiple times she bullied me, because he loves her so much. But I also thought he knew she was a bitch. Evidently not. Tonight, before Xander and her departed from the end-of-the-year party at our school, she came up to me in private and told me I couldn’t speak to him anymore. That I was a “bad influence on him.”

I said nothing. He loved her so much and even though I didn’t, she was his girlfriend, and I tried hard to be kind. But it truly did hurt to watch him walk back from the bathrooms, wearing a smile on his face. He was completely oblivious as she pressed her lips to his right before my eyes, and mumbled they should leave.

He had waved goodbye to me, and said he would see me later. Bethany turned around to glare at me right as they were leaving. She mouthed: “Remember what we talked about.”

Watch as she stands with her holding your hand __ _Put your arm ‘round her shoulder _ __ Now I’m getting colder…

He used to do that to me. Xander to used wrap his arm around my shoulder at football games and comfort me when my father was a total dick. I still remember that day so clearly. After ten whole years of never consuming one pill, he’d started up again. I’d found about two and a half empty pill bottles in his room and called Xander right after. I was so shocked I could hardly speak.

Xander had driven all the way over to my house to pick me up. He bought me ice cream and I slept over his house. We fell asleep on his bed. It wasn’t anything weird. We’ve known each other our whole lives, and he didn’t know I liked him. Come to think of it, that’s when I stopped denying I had crush on him. I just knew I could never tell him. God, I wish he were here right now. If not to wrap his arms around me, just so that I could look into his deep sapphire eyes and perfect black hair. Just so I could watch his lips and pretend for one second, one moment, that he was mine— no. No, I can’t think like that.

Why would you ever kiss me? __ I’m not even half as pretty __ You gave her your sweater __ It’s just polyester __ But you like her better __ I wish I were Heather…

Funny, those are all thoughts I’ve considered before—believed. I never believed I was really that pretty. Xander told me he thought I was, but Bethany had all the features I wanted. Blonde hair. Blue eyes. Friends.

I hated my chestnut hair and green eyes. Some girls at school would compliment me, how petite I was, but I always believed I was too skinny. Too small. Too quiet. Completely undeserving of a great guy like Xander.

It all happened so fast. One day he was sitting with me at lunch. The next he couldn’t seem to focus on our conversations as much, because he would be too busy doting over Bethany across the room. Then, before I knew it, he was hanging out with her all the time, laughing with her. Laughing with her like he laughs with me.

Right as the song ends, my phone starts buzzing. It’s late. I look at my clock for the time—1:27 in the morning. Have I really been up that long? My room is framed by glum colors of purple and blue as I lift my phone and stare at the screen, the light reflecting off my face. Xander.

I look at the name and photo I have for him. The name is just his name drawn out with an emoji—“Xanderrrr🤪”

His profile is one of my favorite moments with him. It was from when we went to an “All-Nighter” for our school and got high off of candy and soda in our gym. I cought him making the ugliest face I’d ever seen him do, and ever since it has been the first thing I see when he calls. But it doesn’t make me giggle this time. Not even a smile crosses my face.

I don’t exactly know why, but I pick up.

I force a smile to my face and answer as positively as I can. He can’t know I’ve been crying.

"𝙷𝚎𝚢!" I say with enthusiasm I don’t really possess.

"𝙷𝚎𝚢, 𝙶𝚒," he says, “𝚓𝚞𝚜𝚝 𝚐𝚘𝚝 𝚋𝚊𝚌𝚔 𝚏𝚛𝚘𝚖 𝙱𝚎𝚝𝚑'𝚜."

An ugly feeling arises in the pit of my stomach. It causes my throat to feel weighted and my eyes to water. Just hearing her name makes me angry and sad all at once. I feel betrayed, but I know Xander isn’t betraying me.

"𝚈𝚘𝚞 𝚕𝚘𝚘𝚔𝚎𝚍 𝚊 𝚋𝚒𝚝 𝚍𝚘𝚠𝚗 𝚠𝚑𝚎𝚗 𝚠𝚎 𝚕𝚎𝚏𝚝 𝚝𝚘𝚗𝚒𝚐𝚑𝚝. 𝚈𝚘𝚞 𝚐𝚘𝚘𝚍?" He asks.

No, I’m not “good.” Your dumbass girlfriend practically called me toxic. I wanted to say that, but I didn’t.

"𝚈𝚎𝚊𝚑, 𝚒'𝚖 𝚐𝚛𝚎𝚊𝚝! 𝙸 𝚠𝚊𝚜 𝚓𝚞𝚜𝚝 𝚋𝚕𝚊𝚜𝚝𝚒𝚗𝚐 𝚜𝚘𝚖𝚎 𝚖𝚞𝚜𝚒𝚌," I reply. A tear slips from the corner of my eye. My voice shakes and I sniffle. I wipe it away, and chuckle, nervously.

"𝚈𝚘𝚞 𝚜𝚞𝚛𝚎?" He has to know something’s up, otherwise he wouldn’t ask twice.

“𝚈𝚎𝚊𝚑," I lie. "𝚄𝚖, 𝙸 𝚝𝚑𝚒𝚗𝚔 𝚒'𝚖 𝚊𝚌𝚝𝚞𝚊𝚕𝚕𝚢 𝚌𝚘𝚖𝚒𝚗𝚐 𝚍𝚘𝚠𝚗 𝚠𝚒𝚝𝚑 𝚜𝚘𝚖𝚎𝚝𝚑𝚒𝚗𝚐. 𝙸 𝚓𝚞𝚜𝚝 𝚗𝚎𝚎𝚍 𝚝𝚘 𝚜𝚕𝚎𝚎𝚙 𝙸 𝚝𝚑𝚒𝚗𝚔, 𝚋𝚞𝚝 𝚒'𝚕𝚕 𝚜𝚎𝚎 𝚢𝚘𝚞 𝚆𝚎𝚍𝚗𝚎𝚜𝚍𝚊𝚢 𝚊𝚝 𝚝𝚑𝚎 𝚙𝚊𝚛𝚊𝚍𝚎!"

"𝙾𝚑, 𝚢𝚎𝚊𝚑. 𝙰𝚋𝚘𝚞𝚝 𝚝𝚑𝚊𝚝--𝙱𝚊𝚝𝚑𝚊𝚗𝚢 𝚠𝚊𝚗𝚝𝚎𝚍 𝚝𝚘 𝚍𝚘 𝚜𝚘𝚖𝚎𝚝𝚑𝚒𝚗𝚐 𝚠𝚒𝚝𝚑 𝚖𝚎 𝚝𝚑𝚎𝚗, 𝚜𝚘 𝙸 𝚠𝚘𝚗'𝚝 𝚋𝚎 𝚐𝚘𝚒𝚗𝚐. 𝙱𝚞𝚝 𝚢𝚘𝚞 𝚐𝚘𝚝𝚝𝚊 𝚝𝚎𝚕𝚕 𝚖𝚎 𝚑𝚘𝚠 𝚒𝚝 𝚠𝚎𝚗𝚝, 𝚊𝚏𝚝𝚎𝚛𝚠𝚊𝚛𝚍𝚜!"

Since when has he ever missed the parade? It’s our favorite part of every year…

"𝙾𝚑..." I slip up, and a small sob escapes me. I quickly cut it off. "𝙳𝚊𝚖𝚗, 𝚒'𝚖 𝚛𝚎𝚊𝚕𝚕𝚢 𝚗𝚘𝚝 𝚏𝚎𝚎𝚕𝚒𝚗𝚐 𝚐𝚘𝚘𝚍. 𝙷𝚊𝚟𝚎 𝚏𝚞𝚗 𝚠𝚒𝚝𝚑 𝙱𝚎𝚝𝚑𝚊𝚗𝚢. 𝙱𝚢𝚎!"

"𝙶𝚒𝚊𝚗𝚗𝚊, 𝚠𝚊𝚒𝚝--" Before he can ask anything more, I hang up the phone and fall face-first into my pillow. My phone buzzes next to me again, but I ignore it. I know it’s him, and I don’t want to speak.