Let’s face it: life comes at you FAST. Like a car with no brakes rolling downhill into a lemonade stand operated by your enemies. If you don’t manage your time, your time is gonna manage you. Trust me, I once missed an entire decade because I got really into watching reruns of Walker, Texas Ranger.

So now I’m gonna teach you everything I know about time management, which is a lot considering I once owned three watches at the same time

**First Rule: Skip Breakfast. And Lunch. Probably Dinner, Too.******

****

If you’re eating, you’re not grinding. Meals are for people who aren’t chasing success. Want to save time? Eat one giant meal at 3:47 a.m. once a week. It’s called intergalactic fasting. I invented it when I accidentally locked myself in a shed with only a can of Vienna sausages and a dead phone.

Also, chewing is optional.

**Second Rule: Multi-Multitask**

Normal people multitask. Winners multi-multitask. That means doing three things with each limb. For example, right now I’m typing this chapter, cooking eggs on a car hood, and trying to open a business selling inspirational windshield wipers

If you can focus on one thing, imagine how much more you can do if you focus on ten things all at once!

Sometimes I black out from the stress, but that’s when I do my best thinking.

**Third Rule: Sleep Fully Dressed and Preferably in Your Car**

Nothing wastes time like pajamas. When you wake up in your jeans and shoes, you’re already halfway to the office (or jail, depending on the day). Sleeping in your car saves EVEN MORE time, especially if you just park near places you might go eventually.

I also recommend keeping your dreams short and to the point. If you dream for more than 7 minutes, you’re just being lazy.

**Fourth Rule: Calendars Are for Suckers**

If you need a calendar to remember what day it is, you’ve already lost. I organize my week by feelings. Like this

Monday: Rage and pushups

Tuesday: Confusion

Wednesday: Meetings with people who don’t show up

Thursday: Court

Friday: Forgiveness

Saturday/Sunday: Technically one day if you stay awake long enough

You don’t need a planner. You need passion and sometimes a crowbar.

**Fifth Rule: Deadlines Are Just Guidelines If You Ignore Them**

Deadlines are like pirates. They only have power if you believe in them. I once turned in a job application seven years late and still got the position

Missed a deadline? Just say “I was testing your sense of urgency” and walk away fast.

**Final Thoughts (for Now)**

In my profecinal opinion, time is an illusion, especially if you don’t wear a watch and live in an abandoned Arby’s like me.

I hope this chapter helps you unlock your maximum daily output. Remember, if you’re not three steps ahead, you’re already behind

AUTHORS NOTE: This book took me three tries to get printed. First time, I wrote it entirely on napkins and the publisher got sauce poisoning. Second time, the file got corrupted when I microwaved the USB stick to see what would happen. But third time? We printed it. Mostly. Chapter 4 is just a photo of my cousin’s foot, but we’re leaving it in for copyright reasons.