Finally,

Some validation,

That,

I’m not crazy.

A good head on my shoulders,

Keep doing what I’m doing,

Strangely mature,

I’ve heard all of it.

They ask where I learned all of it,

The techniques,

The constant analyzing,

and the answer?

I have always done it that way.

Because I had to survive that way,

A family with nothing but attacks,

You have to learn to survive,

All on your own.

My heart broke the othe day,

Because I remembered parts of my childhood,

My brain desperately tried to hide from me,

But they now play back.

I’ve been trying to kill myself,

Since I was tiny.

7 years old,

Wondering.

Wondering if I would just die,

Take my own life away,

It would make people care,

About a little girl left alone.

I was 6 years old,

When I decided I was to ugly,

To fat and too unloved,

And that was my fault too.

I was 8 years old,

When I decided I was the problem,

That people would be better off,

Without me.

I was 9 years old,

The first time I begged my dad for help,

Because all I could think about,

Was wanting to hurt, and kill myself.

I was 10 years old,

When I thought it was my fault,

Fell out of love ten years ago,

So it was my life that caused our family to break.

I was 11 years old,

When I realized I was broken,

And no one could fix me,

Not the church, not my family, and not myself.

I was 12 years old,

When I decided I had no porpose

And I just wanted a break,

Or to be a first choice, or cared about.

I was 13 years old,

I learned that I wasn’t valued,

When I thought I found my place,

But I was just being used and abused.

I was 14 years old,

When I realized I had to solve my problems,

Because if I added one more crack to my family’s life,

We would all truly be broken.

“Your strangely mature.

Where did you learn how to do that?

You seem to know a lot about yourself,

And everyone around you.”

Yes.

I’m strangely mature.

Because:

When I was 5 I learned how to mold myself into something small to keep mom and dad from screaming at or hitting us.

When I was 6 I learned that no one could hate me more than I could hate myself.

When I was 7, I learned that the only way these people would care, would be if it was too late.

When I was 8, I learned to isolate myself, so the only one burdened by me was myself. I learned that people who want to hurt you, will hurt you. They don’t care that your a kid, they don’t care when you hear the sobs spill through the door of the closet, begging to be let out, to be able to eat and play with my siblings. But no, I spoke up to a person who wanted to hurt me, and she did. So I learned to stop speaking up.

When I was 9, I learned that they wouldn’t listen if I begged and sobbed and if I needed something, I had to do it myself. I learned I would never be taken seriously. Because I am a kid, or because I am just me.

When I was 10, I learned that my family was broken. And I learned to cope with the guilt, and the belief that it was because of me. Because that’s what I was told, that I was always unwanted.

When I was 11, I watched my first friend die, and I learned how broken families can truely be. I learned that I was broken too, and people weren’t going to love me the same if I showed them the broken glass in my heart.

When I was 12, I learned that if I had no porpose, I would give one to others. My porpose would be making sure my younger siblings or friends never felt as broken or alone as I did. I learned to match energy’s so I could get along with anyone, Dispite the anxiety burning my insides telling me I they would hurt me too.

When I was 13, I learned that people will lie. And you can’t believe them. People will claim they love you, if it helps them get what they want from you. And I learned that I wasn’t selfish for not wanted to be hurt like that over and over again. It’s okay to not cross an ocean for people that won’t cross a puddle for you. I learned how to find toxic behaviors and manipulation In my own home, so I wouldn’t get scorched again. I learned that the people who are supposed to love me more than anyone, will still choose themselves after you give every drop of blood in your body.

When I was 14, I learned that no amount of begging or wishing would solve your problems. You have to do it yourself, and it sucks and it’s HARD. But no one else can do it for you. I learned that if I can be one thing, it can be kind. I could help my siblings not fall like I did, because I never had anyone there for me. I learned that I would ALWAYS be the open arms and shoulder to cry on. I learned that suicide only gave my pain to someone else, and sometimes the best way of showing you love someone is being there. Staying alive. And they won’t see that effort, the energy it takes to get out of bed, the energy it takes to smile at their jokes and be by their side. Thy won’t see it. But you do it anyway, because that’s all you have. Thats all you can do anymore. And it’s ALOT, to give.

So yes,

I have learned to become strangely mature.

And yes I wish that never happened,

But I know no one else will go through what I did,

If I have anything to say about it,

Because that’s what love is,

sacrifice.

And I learned that from a very young age.