I don’t deserve a thing in this world

And if I do want something

I must work to get it

I must work until I’m tired and I want to give up

And then work harder

That’s just the way the world is.

I can’t write like others can

This isn’t goes to turn out as I hoped

So I’ll work

Day and night

In hopes to become someone else

Because my self isn’t enough.

Do I deserve this?

The quick answer is no

I never do.

Can I coexist with happiness?

Maybe, but I have to work for it.

Can feel satisfaction when I look in the mirror?

Never, but I found this one program that’s supposed to burn belly fat in seven days.

Maybe then I’ll be happy.

I always think these things

They’re the regular rotation of my mind

But maybe they’re not.

Maybe I’m not what I think I am.

But of course I’m not what I think I am.

I think I deserve this

And I’m selfish and cunning and I destroy everything I touch.

Self care seems easy

Have a lil girls night, do a face mask.

And I go through the movements

And I look better and better in the outside

But the inside is crumbling

Down

Down

Down

Falling into the void

Black

I deserve this?

Yeah I do, I deserve this good thing.

Nope.

It’s because you worked.

Now work harder

That’s the only way you’ll be happy with yourself

My gut is screaming for me to stop as my feet fly on the treadmill

The 10 lb weights don’t seem heavy until they do

I don’t quit though

The makeup completes my facade,

Of a girl that’s pretty

But she isn’t me

Mascra, concealer, blush

It’s all an act

I’m a fraud.

It’s summer time.

It’s bikini season

I want to enjoy this summer rather than hiding

I have to change.

Or do I?

No of course I do.

Stop wasting your thoughts

Focus on the workout

I am vile and disgusting

And disappointed

And my bikini doesn’t look right on my body

And I want to cry

So I do

And it’s 2 AM

And my sleep schedule is destroyed

And oh god people are counting on me to be Ok

And I’m not

I’m not…

(A quick note, guys I swear I’m not depressed. A intrusive sad thought came in and I just took it and ran with it for the sake of this poem, however it’s a real thing we all have experienced at some point, so I just wanted to share something that is sadly a bit too relatable to my past self.)