It's my birthday tooo!!!

(Cw: This is basically just a bunch of teenage angst jumble so yeah it might be a lot. A lot of suicidal ideation and probably a toxic relationship)

I remember how I felt when I first met you

You made me felt heard, love, wanted

You were the first I spoke up with

You had similar interests as me and you wanted to be friends

I felt great excited to talk to you

Maybe that would've been it

Maybe that would've been the end

But of course life wouldn't be like that

It stated go more east

You got more and more attached to me

I supposed I did the same

I stopped going out from much

Just to talk to you

Even when you would yell at me

Saying that I didnt care for you

Saying that I didn't like you

That I was just with you for pity

And even with my sorry and my doing of trying to explain it never was enough

You would get mad, explode at me for the smallest things

Get mad at me for stuff that hadn't even happened to me

Made me scared to go home

Scared of the weekends because I didn't want an argument

Made me genuinely terrified for you

Using me as a fucking therapist yet saying that I was the only one in your life that cared

Having me push you off of suicide yet still say I never fucking cared

No matter how much time I spent with you it was never enough

Never enough for you

I was never enough for you

You only used me because you didn't want to be alone

You yelled at me for almost every week

Every week I would have breakdowns because I was so scared

And all for what?

Your fucking insecurities?

Ones that were always my fucking fault?

No matter what I said

No matter if I said 'IM SORRY SORRY SORRY SORRY I'M SORRY.."

No matter what you still took everything out on me

No matter if I told you I was traumatized it was still about you

You.

No matter how many times I've left I always came back

By how pathetic I was

And now you repay me by doing the same stuff I did to you that "hurt your feelings"

I hope the guilt eats you alive

I hope you know the pain you caused me

I hope you feel the same fear I did

I can wish and wish all I want but I know I could never hate you

And that's what hurts the most

Not how you treated me, that I can't hate you

I hate myself for coming back

I hate myself for not having a backbone

I hate myself for still looking up to you

I hate myself

(Masive vent ahh. Also please do not talk about the person in the comments, it's in the past and it makes me uncomfortable, okay?)