That ass so fat, it look like you smuggling two babies in them jeans. I know you gettin’ child support on that ass.

I whip my head around and glare at him, eyes wide. “The fuck you just say?”

I rear back, hand cocked, ready to slap the stupid out of him.

He screams like a little girl and dives behind the couch. “Don’t hurt me, baby! I was just practicing my stand-up!”

He looks pitiful peeking over the cushions. I almost feel bad.

Almost.

I walk around the sofa. He flinches like I’m about to lay him out.

Instead, I pat him on the head. “Don’t quit your day job, sweetie.”

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[Y’all know I can’t help myself. I gotta use bad words lol.]