Listen, Dave is an asshole. I have been tasked with helping this moron but I simply cannot imagine why. Dave is nobody special. He isn’t the chosen one, he’s not going to be president, or king of any country. Not the mayor of a city or small shitty town, I’d be surprised if Dave became the manager of the local Dave & Busters he frequents for cheap drinks. And yet I am here to help him for some reason. Bigger problem he has no clue I’m here and what’s worse is he’s an atheist so he’s not asking God, the universe, or any odd angel or spirit to help him out.

So im stuck with an idiot that has all the help of a magic spirit but none of the brains to figure it out.

Dave got his dick stuck in a beer can recently did I mention that? Not a bottle, a can. Did he ask me for help? No he did not. Dave got a spoon and tried to bend the metal and dig it out. Didn’t go well, had to help turn some traffic lights green for him on the way to the hospital.

You might be asking, why don’t I just quit? Rules of the gig are that I can’t leave until my current client dies. Dave’s fucking resilient. Covid 19 didn’t come near him, he eats like an idiot, drinks a ridiculous amount of alcohol and does any number of unlabeled and definitely not prescribed pills. I know they weren’t prescribed because Dave doesn’t go to the doctor, like ever.

Greavously injured? Drugs and ice, maybe a bandaid if he’s got them. Sick? Dudes got the immune system of a horse and I’ve seen him eat rotten food off the floor that was definitely there for several days. This dude just won’t die.

So like a loyal companion I stay by his side. I’ve developed a taste for reality tv and have really perfected burping on command. God, Dave sucks.