Nothing makes sense anymore

Nothing feels real anymore

Drifting

D r i f t i n g

D

r

i

f

t

i

n

g

Between tiny dots of light.

When I was younger

I wanted to kill myself

Because I was in so much pain

Right now

I would kill myself

Because I just want things to feel real

I don’t even feel pain right now

Just cold

Hard

I n d i f f e r e n c e.

Even to my own best friend

And I’d say I’m terrified

That she will hate me

Or worse

Hate herself

Because of me

But I’m not terrified.

I really don’t care.

I don’t think I care about anything right now.

Maybe I’m just flying between orbits

And I’ll find one soon

And be ok

But honestly

Maybe I don’t want to.

I know it would destroy

So many people

And maybe that’s part of the reason I want to

A joy in my sick mind

Watching others suffer because of me

If I don’t enjoy it

I might just break

From how much hurt I cause

Other people to feel.

In the end

They’d all get better

Eventually

I’ll be forgotten.

I know I won’t kill myself.

If you’re worried.

I won’t pretend

There aren’t people who care about me.

But I also won’t pretend

That the care is below a surface level.

And I will not pretend

That anyone in real life really knows me.

I’m losing

More and

More

Of myself

Everyday.

Maybe I don’t even know myself.

At least I’m not close enough

For the stars to blind me

So I breathe

In

And

Out

And feel nothing

There is no oxygen here

However I am not suffocating

As I drift away

From the previous orbits

That kept me alive.