I let you in…

AGAIN.

And you swore…

That this time it’d be

DIFFERENT.

What was I thinking?

I saw the effort.

But it’s no different.

There’s no fight.

And yeah,

I will take some responsibility.

But history,

And even now show me,

You never mean what you say....

My heart is still beating,

But I can’t feel it.

I am still breathing,

My chest still rises and falls…

So why do I feel it all?

And yet nothing?

Numb.

To this moment.

To everything.

Always cracking open windows and doors…

Trying to make space for everything.

The little girl inside of me,

Who was never really seen…

When she needed to be held,

When she needed to scream.

Space for all the people,...

You’re sorry for disturbing my peace?

Tell me this…

Why is it that your ‘outlet’ all ends up being me.

Is it just a test?

Is it just to see if I’ll reply?

A flip of the coin…

Will she or will she not?

Tell me,

Are you satisfied with the response you got?...

A handwritten note…

A clever guise…

Worked out it my favor,

To my surprise.

Or at least,

So I thought.

Let you in,

Cracked the door open…

And gave you a key.

I let you inside,

I swallowed my pride…

For you to what?

Run and hide?

A ghost online,

A ghost in real life….

And if this is another lesson,

I don’t know how much more will I have left to fight this fight.

I don’t let people in. ...

What did you do?

I let you in…

I swore I would never do something so foolish again…

Giving myself over…

And now this?

This is torture.

What did you do?

My head is spinning…

How could you be all about me and suddenly nothing.

Not a text.

Not a call.

Every message undelivered.

What did you do?

Let you you see everything…

Know every piece of me…

How could you?

Leaving me with all this que...

No matter what…

What I do,

What I say,

How I act,

How I am,

It always plays out the same way.

It’s never me.

Not in the end.

No matter how I love,

How much I try to be a friend.

Everything goes,

Everyone leaves in the end.

You’d think I’d be used to always being left,

But I can’t wrap my head around the fact…

That I’m always treated like that.

Why am I always treated like this?...

The good things…

And the bad.

All we ever had,

All you threw away.

All you took for granted…

Everytime you sunk your hooks in,

Everytime you led me astray.

Me always getting mad at myself,

For being foolish…

For letting history repeat itself.

As if you didn’t show me,

Who you really were…

All those times before.

Why would this time have been any different?

The truth is,

I really don’t know...

I’m too invested …

I do the worst job of keeping my own heart protected.

I’m far to giving…

It lets people think they can walk all over me.

I understand the struggle…

But I would never change who I am.

And if you push me way past the point

Where I break.

I can’t promise what I’ll do.

When it my heart that’s at stake....

Are you talking about me again?

Another fight?

Another argument?

Because it’s always my fault, right?

When it really comes down to it.

My ears always ringing…

Because your trashing my name,

Since everything went south.

Never holding any accountability,

For the sour taste you left in my mouth....

Birds circled overhead…

Because they were ready to feast…

On what has long been dead.

The old me…

I’ve shed her skin,

Standing over the carcass as we speak…

She was weak.

Too kind, too fogiving.

Me?

Not anymore.

I can’t be…

Look at all the scars in her back,

From all the knives that stabbed her.

All those wounds…

From the people who ‘loved’ her.

Hardened my heart,

Won’t let anyone like that in...