My heart is still beating,

But I can’t feel it.

I am still breathing,

My chest still rises and falls…

So why do I feel it all?

And yet nothing?

Numb.

To this moment.

To everything.

Always cracking open windows and doors…

Trying to make space for everything.

The little girl inside of me,

Who was never really seen…

When she needed to be held,

When she needed to scream.

Space for all the people,

I keep letting in…

Always setting my self up for failure,

Because I trust nothing.

How could anyone love me?

When everyone inevitably leaves,

Or goes away.

And I don’t beg.

I don’t scream.

I don’t say stay.

I don’t let you see me break.

Feelings always made me look weak.

As if I wasn’t allowed to have them.

As if I haven’t always been running for my life.

As if I haven’t been through things that would shatter any soul.

I grew up being told to ‘shake it off’ any time there was any evidence of a tear forming in my eye.

And if I didn’t I got screamed at anytime I would cry.

So when I cry now it’s in silence.

Or locked away, hidden.

Because I was taught tears were shameful.

If you cried you were a disgrace.

Maybe that’s why I feel everything so fiercely.

Because I was never free to be…

Me.

I had to bury that little girl inside of me.

The one who’s innocence was taken to soon.

The one who doesn’t remember happiness.

A feeling so foreign,

I’m not even sure it exists…

And I ache for her.

Because maybe it could have been different.

If I was held,

Instead of yelled at.

If I was allowed to feel,

Without being a burden.

If I was shown love,

When I was broken.

But I wasn’t.

So there’s always been a crack in my foundation.

Chips all across the pavement,

Of my formative years.

Here, but not here really.

Fighting demons I didn’t make.

Trying to heal a heart I didn’t break.