your gum wrapper hearts

the necklace you gave me

all of this i still have

except for you

i gaze upon these items

and i hate myself for loving them so

for i don't love you

but i miss you

one thing i learned

if i can say i learned anything at all

is that it is okay to miss someone

and not want them back in your life

that is how you are to me

i miss having you

and i miss you having me

but i d...

after this loop continues

day after day

eventually you will get sick of it

get sick of yourself

and then you will try to convince yourself you're okay

be it for other people

be it for yourself

but you know you arent okay

you sit

alone

all the time

and you wait

you know nothing will happen

and then you realize

you understand

that you need help....

01 - 01 - 1997

every day seems to go by just the exact same. nothing seems to change, and its always just as slow as before.

i will wake up, i will (not) eat, and i will just wait. i will. be so lonely.

i know people love me, and i love everyone too. but sometimes, i truly believe i am the loneliest person in the world.

01 - 13 - 1997

sometimes, i will get really angry. and i will want to c...

"okay! what do you think?" the hairdresser turns the chair around, beaming at her client through the mirror. "do you like it?"

the clients face twists in disgust, the once joyful face of this young man turning sour, angry.

"well my god! its dreadful!"

the hairdresser doesnt understand. its what the man had asked for.. yet, he isnt satisfied. they rarely are, are they? humans in general too.

"we...

dear nate,

i havent seen you in awhile, and i know we haven't spoke.

i wanted to say im sorry, for everything.

and i hope you can forgive me. i will be back in town soon, and i think it would be good for us to sit down and talk.

a lot has happened since i last saw you, and i have changed as a person. maybe we can make it work this time.

im waiting for you, when you want me.

- yours truly, jaco...

i wish i had a mom. not like the one i have. the one i have is flawed, shes broken. but there is no return policy for broken humans. shes never been there for me, i am just a maid for her. i get her things. i clean for her.

"she loves you"

"she cares about you"

"she wants you to be happy"

i dont feel this love. i dont see how she could care about me. i dont know if she knows what happy is.

she i...

i never wanted you gone

i couldnt help it

i had to get away from you

but i regret it

i sit here and i wonder

how things couldve been

if i stayed

if i believed i deserved you

i want you

i want you more than anything

i want something i cant have anymore

and thats why im sad

im sad that i know its over

you wont be waiting anymore

because youre done

because i dont love you anymore

and maybe thi...

you wake up

you expect this day to be different

nothing changes

and everything is the same

you drink your coffee

you read

but youre not happy

you don't feel fulfilled

nobody talks to you

nobody texts you

you are alone

you dont want to be

but you have to learn how to deal with it

it wont change

you have to learn

how to live alone...