I was scared. Not of the shadows that hide under the bed, or the groans that houses make when everyone has gone to rest, no, it was something else, something that grows from your actions, learns from your doings. Your surroundings.

A fear of abandonment.

A fear of being left out, by the ones that I open my heart to in particular, the ones I have learned to care for, and it always ends up being the people who have a smile stitched on their faces at whatever time of day, because they're the ones you would expect always to be there, and

Never. Leave. You.

But people are unpredictable; they're selfish. And I learned that the hard way. Through the ones I thought I loved the most. My friends.

There were five of us in the group, including Rachel, Matteo, Sean, Abigail, and me.

We all were close, because we all shared the same interests, same hobbies, same fears.

But when we all reached our first year in high school, they all overcame the obstacle, and found new people to hang out with together, leaving me at the starting line to watch them break the ribbon at the end. Together.

I went insane; my mind had always created countless false scenarios of missing out, but for this group of friends, it never even created one.

I tried to ignore it, like they ignored me, but having a fear so intense as mine does not fade so easily.

So, I decided to ask the school council for help, and she had never been more right. her words were

"You need to learn to deal with it if you want to move on." And that is exactly what I did.

I invited them all over for a reunion, where they all agreed over time, and sat with me around my dinner table, and ate the soup I had spent a month mastering. The texture. The taste. I told them what I felt, and how they hurt me, but they all told me to move on, but I mimicked their laugh back to them and said, "Don't worry, I will, I'll move on the same way as you all did. Together."

And one by one, I watched in satisfaction as they choked on the soup, the cyanide already foaming at the edges of their mouths.

The memory always brings a smile to my face, and it helped me from my fear, as being in a straitjacket surrounded by walls whiter than sheep's fur is very, very, isolating. It also made me not worry about my friends, about them leaving me and always moving on with their lives, cause they will always be with me now, and I will never miss out on anything with them.

Again.