"why did I not think of doing that first" I thought.

I stepped outside the house leaving for first day of school today. Spotting another girl - around my age - drawing on a piece of paper whilst waiting for the bus, "why did I not think of doing that first" I think.

My school bus stopped and I got on, noticing how so many other kids are chitchatting and laughing. I find an empty seat by the window and take it, upset since I dont know anyone like everyone does.

Thoughts taking over my mind go blank as the bus stopped abruptly at the school's stop. "What do i say? - no - how do i act? - wait no - should i smile? - they'll be creeped out no!"

I got off the bus, went to class, and tried to find a comfortable desk place in class.

First session goes by fine.

Second session I see that most students have gotten livelier than this morning.

As the teacher opens a discussion with other kids in class, two girls - with prettier hairstyles than me, a funky looking braid and two perfectly messy buns- have went over to the teacher, and they all seem to have so much fun.

"Why did i not join in on the discussion too?"

"I want Mrs__ to like me too!!"

"Why did they have to join in the discussion before me!?"

I starting only studying Mrs__ subject for her to notice me, and I became her favorite student!!

...

At my art lesson later that day, I notice a girl drawing a very beautiful portrait, way better than mine, I get upset and refuse to continue till my mom comes to pick me up to go home.

My mother asks me what's wrong I say nothing and just go to bed.

The next couple weeks I make sure my drawings are always the best in the art lessons I go to.

3 Years later

I moved across continents this year, meaning a new school.

1st day of school wasn't as terrible as 1st day of school 3 years ago was.

Forgetting to mention that 2 girls were absolutely mean to me, I'll forget about it anyways.

The following day i started to make fun of my classmate about her weight. She cried, told the teacher, and I acted as if I was an angel who did no mistake.

The next year i moved schools again, i wasnt comfortable with the girls of my past school, but I told my parents the curriculums were too easy and I'm surpassing the school's level of education.

1st day of school was great! I made a new friend today and people seem really nice.

However, there was a big girls friend group having so much fun and recording tiktoks and i felt so left out - even though I've never sat with them.

I did everything to make more friends and maybe befriend that friend group for months, still not satisfied.

6 Years later,

"Is that my classmate on my For-you-page with 1M+ likes?"

"Wow she's very funny, I bet so much people love spending time with her"

I have my own friend group, but I don't think I'm as valuable and worthy as her- she's more popular and loved by others it's unfair.

I'll film a tiktok and try to show that I'm funny too.

But

Who am I without competing

How do I get people to love me without always putting on a facade