You used to be so good

At biding your time.

You would sit and wait,

And drink and waste away

Patiently.

You sought inner peace

But lacked the means to achieve it.

You would find excuses

To justify hurting everyone and yourself,

Every time.

I would scream until

Tears rolled down my cheeks

Until my voice failed me

Begging and pleading

Desperately.

Why?

I asked of you.

Why?

I asked of God.

I whispered faithless prayers

To whoever would listen,

Hoping one day you would find your peace

Believing, naively, that your strength

Would be found in me.

You called me cynical and pessimistic,

But my optimism,

My misplaced, disgusting optimism,

Led me into trauma after trauma

After endless, repetitious trauma.

You and I and everyone close

Knew your waiting would one day end.

Only you and I knew, however,

That one day could’ve been

Any day.

And yet,

As I held you for what I didn’t know were

Your final breaths,

As I held you and watched

The spark of consciousness,

The glint of life,

Vanish from your eyes,

Somewhere inside me

I clung tightly to a desperate hope

That you would survive,

Once again whispering

Frantic prayers to a god

I only believed in

In convenience.

The next and final time

I would ever see your face

Would be cold and pale,

Lifeless in a casket.

I said goodbye,

But did you hear it?

You looked only vaguely familiar

As you lay there silently.

I never had the opportunity

To see you find your peace,

But in that moment,

I wondered if leaving this life behind

Helped you reach

The salvation you dreamed of.

I still selfishly contemplate

Time to time

Whether I could’ve saved your life.

Do you believe I failed

Just as I do?

I only hope that,

Wherever you may be now,

Your pain did not follow you.

Soon, ten years will have passed,

Then twenty, and thirty.

Life has moved on,

But I will never forget.

In my lowest moments, I ask,

“What would you do?”

In my greatest triumphs, I ask,

“Have I made you proud?”

In my most traumatic memories, I say,

“I forgive you.”

In every day of my life, I remember,

“I love you.”

Happy Mother’s Day.