TW: mentions of self harm

i don’t plan to cut myself

but sometimes i wonder

how it feels,

i’ve seen my friends with them,

even recent ones,

and i wonder how they can do it

how they can be able to not get caught,

i wonder what they use

i wonder how it feels,

does it hurt? or is it sweet relief?

why would they do that?

part of me is curious

holding a knife to cut an orange,

and i think:

what would happen if i cut myself right now?

i dont know because

i’ve already committed some self harm

the scratching

i have the scars, people see them

and ask me what happened,

i just say i got a scratch.

it’s not true

i itched my skin til i bled and kept going

but i dont say that,

but still i wonder how it feels

to be so far in pain

to tear your skin with a blade

or whatever you use

i’m so curious, so so curious,

but i feel ashamed that i am,

so very ashamed.

but please, enlighten me,

let me understand exactly how it feels

to rip yourself apart

and want to do it again