**_TW: self-harm, suicidal thoughts_**

I realized today that I was suicidal

I was laying downstairs on the floor next to my mom

And I began to cry

My dad wanted me to do the dishes

My mom rolled her eyes

I ran upstairs

_Every week she does this_

__

I heard

I went into a dark room

So dark I couldn’t see my hand in front of my face

And I laid there on the floor

For an hour I sat there and imagined all the ways I could kill myself

I realized today that I wasn’t afraid to slit my throat

I thought to myself for that hour in that dark room

I’m not afraid of anything

The only thing I fear is feeling this numbness I’ve felt for months

Waking up each morning and feeling nothing

Wanting to do nothing

_Wanting to do everything_

__

I realized today that I would rather die than continue living as I am

I clawed my skin and slapped myself during that hour just to feel something

Then I stared into the darkness and continued to feel nothing

And a thought passed through my mind

A thought that made me laugh

_If you kill yourself then you’re truly weak_

__

It seems you are always the hardest on yourself

So I shed my final tears

Blew my nose

And I stood up and left that dark room

Forever.

Because I am not weak like I tell myself I am

I know killing myself wouldn’t make me weak

But when I thought that, it was enough to make me get up

I still feel nothing

I still go through today just a shell of the person I used to be

And I still want to die

I’m not weak though

So I made a promise to myself

A promise that I will only share with the people who read this

_I will get better, and if I don’t then, and only then, am I allowed to kill myself_

I’ll never go through with the latter part of that promise though

Because I will get better

I’m going to prove to myself that I’m not weak

_(P.S. And neither are you)_