“I Had a Memory”

I had a memory today—

of us laughing,

talking until the sun came back around-

For a moment again,

I missed you.

Then I remembered—

you never really were there.

Only reached for me

when it was needed-

The comfort I mistook for connection

**I held on through silence, doubt,**

**through the ache of feeling invisible, unlovable **

**to someone that once felt like home.**

****

**You bounced back and forth **

**In and out of my life**

** leaving me with nothing but self doubt of my own ability to be enough **

You’ve moved on now,

but the truth is—

you were never really here, the way you wanted me to believe

Not the way I was.

Today it hurt—

because I still recall

what I thought we had.

The good that felt great

Quiet moments, where silence wasn’t so heavy

But comfortable-

Maybe one day,

that memory won’t feel so heavy.

Maybe I’ll stop confusing being needed as love.

Maybe next time I will trust myself instead of believing stories told

Or be so naive, filled with hope

But today,

I had a memory—

and I let it pass through me

As my eyes welled with tears

My soul opened its hole

I believed in you,

even when everyone tried to warn me.

The assurances you sold me—

I needed them.

I ruined my life, as it burned to the ground

and all I had to feel certain of was you.

The thought that you

weren’t who I believed you to be

terrified me.

But that is the truth.

It was all a fantasy—

just stories you created

A version my brain said was safe

But today it is just a memory