**TW: SH**

They told me healing would feel like sunshine

They didn’t mention the storms that come back uninvited

The storms I tried to conquer, silent and unseen

The ones that could’ve ended me

Even though there is still so much life to explore

And the sunshine which wasn’t all warm and bright

Sometimes I feel euphoria and am living my life and want to be here forever

Other days, I wake up and I don’t want to be here

And somewhere in between are thoughts of relapse

The thoughts that dread me

The intrusive thoughts which make me feel like I should

But I shouldn’t really

I need to stop

I need to stop now

But how?

Thoughts are one thing but undergoing the act you said you’d never do again is another

Who am I kidding?

With healing broken skin, I see faint white marks, covering where my heart broke

And where all the blood escaped from

The memory lingers as I try to shake it off my mind

Recovery is possible, but it’s difficult

Especially if when you have a bad day, the first thought that creeps into your head is breaking the cycle

I have been free of the weapon for the longest time so I will try my best to retain the urge

But it’s harder than words can say

You’re so used to doing it often and c****** deep enough into your delicate skin

So when you stop, you feel empty

It’s like it gives you endorphins and a weird sense of contentment

When it’s taken away from you, it’s hard to not think about it from time to time

But it’s not necessarily about the time

It’s about fighting the urge

It’s about getting better

It’s about getting help

And most importantly it’s about healing

They will heal - and so will you

It just takes time