Every night, I am burdened with returning to the hellscape in which I see whenever I sleep. Whenever i am speaking I carful to avoid comparing anything to hell, because after going there every single night without fail, I now realize the gravity that analogy has, and that nothing I face in the day is abhorrent enough for that title.

When I describe it I always describe it as an upside down alice in wonderland. The dreams start like normal dreams do, then I fall. I fall through a large whole that was never there when I first took the step. I rush through this horrific tunnel going underground, where it is pitch black and all you can feel is the gravel on your back and the hands caressing you as you make your journey down, but that is the least horrid part. When I reach my destination I am practically shot out of the tunnel and right into the arms of a man with a face white as snow, who speaks with a tone that reeks with undertones of mal-intent. His smile a bit past the middle of his cheeks, his unnaturally white teeth filling in his mouth. "I've been waiting for your return", he says to me every time without fail. Always with the same smile, the same gaze that lingers a bit too long at my lips, and the same tight hold on my waist as he holds me up. He places me down and I take in the view, the heads of my loved ones strung up on trees, figures moving behind the trees at a speed where I can see a figure for a quick second but can't make out their shape. The figures speak in hushed tones, I only catch single words out of whole conversations "return" "evil" "destroyer" . Directly across this demonic forrest is a river. Ever dream the man notices my interest in the river, getting behind me a bit to close for comfort and leading me to the river. As I get closer the atmosphere grows thicker, and a scream that gets louder as I get closer. I find myself staring right down into the river, my face, and nothing but the man's smile in the reflection. My reflection begins to fade and in its place a little girl, no older than 4 screaming, drowning, and pleading. Then I hear it. As she comes up for air, " Please, let me go" ,as she utters those words I see my hands in her neck pushing her under. Then as I finnish her off, she sinks completely. Now in my reflection I don't see myself, at least not the me I know, but someone who looks like me, but she is smiling the same impossibly large smile as the man. As she. I. we. walk away from the river we interlink our fingers with the man's, and complete a series of unspeakable, inhumane acts against family, friends, children, animals, and anything else in our vicinity. People describe hell as a dark place where they are physically tortured by someone else, but after living this hell over and over again every night i've learned hell is watching yourself commit heinous acts, unable to stop, seeing the most graphic, gruesome things, knowing you inflicted and or created each and every last one of them. Watching all this knowing there is a smile spread across my face.