Waiting is not a cause of death. You never see it written on a birth certificate. Cause of death: waiting. It almost sounds funny but I feel like waiting will be the cause of mine. What am I waiting for? For my dog to die.

I lost my home. It was messy it was rough but I kept my dog. I almost wish I hadn’t. I can’t provide for Bitter. When I had house and a job and friends and a functioning life with a purpose, I used to joke about getting a dog called sweet, then salty and I’d continue getting dogs until I ran out of money. It’s ironic that I ran out of money after one dog. It wasn’t Bitter’s fault we’re out here, on the streets. There was just a series of bad events that after each one I was like surely it can’t get worse than this? Yet it did. Every single time until I was left with nothing. Nothing but a dog and a sleeping bag someone gave me because “I look cold.”

I don’t want Bitter to die but he should have peace. He’s old, he’s always shivering, every breath sounds like his last. He’s changed but I guess I did too. Bitter used to be leap to catch balls in the air, wag his tail at the sight of a treat. I wouldn’t even expect him to move let alone leap in the air now. He’s lifeless but so am I. I wouldn’t even say we’re living anymore. There’s nothing to look forward to. We just exist watching everyone else passive-aggressively speed walking to work or struggling carrying heavy groceries to the bus stop. They have something we don’t. A purpose. Something to strive for, something to motivate them. A promotion, a wedding, an achievement. I don’t have anything. There’s no chance of me having any of those. Sometimes I feel like I don’t exist. I’m just here observing the world but then someone will drop a couple of coins in my pot which reminds me I am actually here. I thank them and they move on with their lives and progress. I have nothing to progress. I don’t celebrate my birthday, my dogs birthday, I don’t even count the days anymore. The only event left in my life is my dogs death then mine. Maybe it’s selfish that I keep him here with me instead of donating him to a shelter. I only have two events left in my life.

I wait for my dog to die then I wait for me to die.