It wasn’t planned.

I mean, he wasn’t planned.

I mean who plans to get pregnant at 17?

If I had the choice I’d let them take away my uterus. People lie all the time that women were meant to be mothers. That isn’t the case for me.

He was conceived in a drug filled haze by a man who had more in common with shit than a decent human being at a party where I shouldn’t be all in an attempt to be cool. Parties are filled with stupid people who do bad things without caring for the consequences.

Teenagers pretty much.

I was in a religious town so abortion was going to be more difficult than breaking out of North Korea. The natural methods of abortion probably fucked it up worse than me raising it by myself.

The appointment I made with that abortion specialist downtown got immediately canceled as she killed the girl before me. The authorities were even able to save her baby!

The old lady was armed with bio hazards to get rid of it and still it survived.

So all in all, I ended up giving birth lonely and in another drug haze. They couldn’t let me give birth naturally. I was too skinny.

It came out small and covered in blood, crying out for something to take care of it. Looking around there was no one else for the pitiful little thing so I took it in my arms and named it my last pregnancy craving. Ben. If it had a twin (thankfully it didn’t) it would’ve been Jerry.

Expectedly, I wasn’t the perfect parent. All the books in the world couldn’t prepare me for the life of raising a child in poverty. Children are fucking expensive they need many things and you have to feed it everyday. My first pet died cause I forgot about it after a week, what the hell do you expect from me?

At some point, I grew numb and did the bare minimum. Post partum depression they call it. A condition that summed up most of my life.

At some point, Ben stopped crying. He would look at me with blank eyes, never asking for anything. Good gracious did I think it was a blessing back then.

Maybe I should have thought better.

Everything wrong in my life happened because I wasn’t thinking.

There wasn’t ever a thought in my mind that it would grow up to stalk women and make me hide their bodies so that he wouldn’t be thrown to jail. We aren’t close by any means of the word but I love him in a way I as his mother can.

Nothing can change that.

Just like nothing changes the fact that I have birthed a monster. The way he has a smile as he expertly cuts the women so they would be easier to hide. How he collects chemical disinfectants of every brand to test which one would be best at hiding evidence.

The way I know one day his murderous gaze will be pointed at me at times.

Will he kill me?

Maybe.

I tried to kill him many times before he was born. Its my karma that I will live with a gun under my pillow.