As the hazy light filtered through the trees, something outworldly traveled through me. it wasnt pain, it wasnt joy, it was the feeling of colors, and music and emotions. it reached all the way into my fingertips, my toes, my heart, seizing me. It felt angelic. I saw myself from a 3rd point of view, whilst i still was myself. I just realized the one true revelation: i am a soul. i have a body. why did it take my whole life for me to see that? feel that?

the water that i am floating on is travelling through mystical alleys of trees, the light filtering me and there are no limits here. i cant explain it, i see only this much landscape, but somehow i can feel the infitie possibilites of it all.

the boat contuinies to push me further and further, and butterflies swarm around me. their sparks gleam at me, and i feel surrounded by magic. the water urges me through landscapes with colors that one only can dream of, my soul is infinite. i am infite.

and then, it all stops, it goes away all too suddenly, and i find myself in pitch darkness. there is nothing, not even black, just a hollow, empty space. like when i dream, i am here but still not really. just lots and lots of empty space that seems to have no end or beginning.

but then, there was light. is this was the big bang felt like, i think to myself. i think so.

but i feel something else, and memories light up in me. i see my mum, when i came to the world. i see her lfiting me up, cradling me, astounded at the life she had brought to light. i see my dad beside her, tears gleaming in his eyes, an impossible hapiness at his lips.

the next moment, an image of my sister and I, running through the yard, the green grass lush at our bare toes, our runs short and jumpy, full of laughter and joy.

I see my birthdays, my bestfriend, moments I took for granted, but not really, because otherwise they wouldnt exist in my heart this way.

My dog and me playing in the living room, shrill laughter echoing in the halls of christmas eve. Glasses clinking and a mess of christmas paper under the tree, a slip into time when the anticipation of each human in the world gather together to create one infinite moment. When the new year rolls around and we hug each other, promising new times, new hopes and dreams. deep down its all bs, time is a concept, the world is a game we created, but it is a pretty okey one after all.

lastly, i see myself, laying in the hospital bed. tubes and wires are in me, trying desperetaly to gain my life back again. my mum is in the corner, crying out in depsair as my dad hugs her and wants to reassure her, but i see the look on his face. a look of pure devastation.

my heart breaks into a million pieces.

"I am dead, arent i?» i ask into this empty space. i had known that i wanted it to happen soon, the cancer was to horrible. it was worse than death.

a voice answers me.

«yes, you are. but i wont lie to you, i cannot let you go just yet. there is one mission left for you.» the voice says. i cannot hear it, i just feel it. understand it.

«what is it?» i ask, a part of me not wanting to return to the pain. why cant i just stay here? life can be so cruel. i dont think can take it anymore.

«you will find out. be strong.» it says and then i am back in the hospital room.

i stand beside my body, looking down on it. holed out cheeks, lips that bleed. skin like death. eyes, soul, gone. but my life isnt over. the game is on again. i wont win, i wont even play. i will just feel, this time. i was sent back to feel the lakes, the trees, the life one last time.

i will hold on, just a little while longer.

and i open my eyes. and its birth, my first moment, my first breath, all over again. only this time, i am not screaming.