(In light of my birthday approaching,I have taken time to reflect on the past. I want my life to be better for the future. I am on a new journey, for once I’m living just for me. I have no clue what I am doing but what I do know is what I need to leave behind…. )

I no longer will hide my truth.

Love has never been easy for me.

Engaging with others comes naturally,

Being the mask of friendly is easy.

But, being me,my authentic self,

Not a safe space. Anxiety, fear of who I am or should be engulfed my brain causing my mind to spin thousand of thoughts faster than it can process.

To prevent this from occurring I learned to be someone else. Whoever they needed-

My entire life, Ive shaped myself

into the mold of what others wanted,

just to keep the scraps of love they offered in return.

I failed myself.

I see now how often I’ve dimmed my light based off the belief I wasn’t going to get more.

I accepted the lies my mind told me. I wasn’t worth more.

Begging for my parents to just be kind accept me love me without payment or criticism. They couldn’t, still can’t.

My mind became hyper critical, overwhelmed by these beliefs and thoughts

I learned to hate myself, my loathing became compulsive and comfortable

Dating began and ended as soon as I was complimented or loved

I reject,disposed of men as soon as they were to close

I’ve picked apart until they left, convinced them they were these nasty projections I have believed about myself-

Or convinced myself each one had nothing I needed.

I was to comfortable in the chaos to hear the silence

When this is all you know,

you start to believe

this is how love is meant to be

never expecting more.

I loved the ones who hated me, followed them to the ends of the world

Today I noticed nothing has changed

Time has passed, I remained

For a long time, I thought

I just hadn’t met the right person.

So I clung tighter

to someone,

to the idea of love

even when my heart knew

I was starving, dying.

I patched my emptiness

with broken promises.

instead of standing whole,

accepting crumbs of attention

just to feel something

that resembled comfort or love.

I know-

love is more than a feeling.

It’s connection.

It’s the way someone cares for you,

shows up for you,

values you,

meets you as an equal

thinks of you and considers you

and encourages you to grow as a individual.

So many times I’ve allows the wrong people in

I no longer desire to accept the pain, I put a fortress around my soul waiting for the one to arrive to remove the locks.

Hoping they would give me the strength to accept the love without fear of losing it

It’s the courage to lower your walls,

to let them see your weakness,

to find comfort in being

your best or your worst

and know they will stay,

no matter which version they meet.

Because feelings shift.

People leave.

My father left.

Many men have left

But I remain.

I am still here waiting .

I finally understand

how little I once asked for

and how even that

was to much for some.

But no more.

I will not be comforted with crumbs.

I will not accept less just to be chosen, that isn’t love.

I will see what is in front of me from now on

not my hearts version of a child’s story

It isn’t about wealth,

status, or perfection

those things fade.

It’s about who can sit with my tears, screams and maybe just my crazy

But make me laugh,

challenge my racing thoughts

without anger,

and understand

that I need consistency maybe reassurance

I need to find safety

I can choose.

I can walk away.

I no longer am willing to take nothing to cherish

I’m no one’s side or second best

Late night escapade

I am not mad

I’m done waiting to live my life

Not out of anger.

Not out of hate.

But out of love

for myself

and for what we both deserve.

No guilt.

No shame.

No regret.

Because I care.

Because I want a love

that is real and lasting.

And if you can’t offer that,

I will go and find my life

without apology.

I am whole.

I have no regrets about my past

It time the little girl lets go of her pain or her false belief of not being enough

Because I am, I always have been.

I am not perfect ever but for once I don’t want to be.

Today I chose me I want to build my life that I am happy to have

In a place I want to be

With a partner who is choosing me

Not only for today but everyday

So whoever and whatever happens next,

I’m ready.

Happy birthday to me and my next chapter is the best one yet!