Later that night, I'm lying in bed in the dark, my face illuminated by my bright phone screen. "Only a call away!" his latest message reads. Fuck no. I still haven't replied since Chris sent it this morning, but I don't think I will. I also don't think I'll actually call. It's all too complicated. We'd met through our brothers when we were kids – he’s my brother‘s best friend and his brother is mine – which meant we were strictly off-limits to each other. So, of course, we did the only thing we could: we fell in love. At least, I did. I think he did too, but we never said anything. We expressed it differently – less through direct dialogue, but more through subtext, actions, smiles, and glances. His eyes had always been my favorite part of him – bright blue, changing to green or turquoise depending on the light, like the ocean. And they were full of love. I used to dream, wishing those eyes were mine, all the love was for me. But I guess I read it wrong, because as I got older, I wasn't so sure if he really loved me or if I really loved him.

So here I lay now, in the dark, literally and figuratively, just a call away from knowing if he loves me back, just a call away from something that could heal my heart or shatter it beyond repair. And as I lie here, I decide I might not want to know. I toss my phone across the room, pull the covers over my head, roll into a tight ball, and cry myself into a dream where all of this never happened – where I never met Chris. I woke up feeling guilty, wishing it were true, because love shouldn't be this hard and most certainly shouldn't hurt this much.

Note: Credits to Olivia Rodrigo for the Title, because that song describes my life perfectly right now… give it a listen if you‘re interestead :)