Ugh. The look he gives me… I can’t even begin to describe it… so… I’ll describe it.

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Looks:

He looks like he’s assembled from spare parts found in his sexy garage… arms like thin steel weight bars, hair stuck out like brown and very dead rose bush limbs. His eyes are endless— like those dark mountain toilets. His legs are all twisted over each other like those spinely monkey animals they woo kids with… ah, and I can’t forget his forest of a tummy. It’s all dark and mysterious like the Amazon. Wild, untamed. Flea ridden like a dog’s scooter-end. In short, he has a face exclusively for podcasts and I love him for it! 😍

Personality:

Oh, and his personality.

(Let me get my highlighter).

Through his gorgeous teeth of a horse, he talks about shaving his legs and making women’s wigs. I try not to look him in the mouth— Momma always said don’t look a horse in the mouth. A gift horse, I think she said? I don’t know. I can’t remember. Anyways. His brain crackles like a silent TV… both welcoming and calming, he is. He’s soft, plump like Trump in a squishy.

Ugh… I’m sorry y’all… I gotta go get my manz!