I can’t do this.

I really can’t do this.

He’s just so … nice. No man is naturally this nice without some evil under layers.

“ so it says on your profile you’re into Greek mythology. How did you get into that?”

He’s smiling softly across the table at me, dressed well and attentive with his body language. I realise in that moment on all previous dates I’d been the one to drive the conversation. My palms are sweaty.

“Um,well”

For fuck sake he’s meant to be the shy one what’s wrong with me tonight?

“Vi?”

“Yeah?”

He smiles and it’s gentle. Encouraging. I feel like a dog scared in a cage and unsure of what’s going to happen.

“It’s okay to be nervous, I am too”

I frown and shuffle in my seat. I haven’t even placed my purse down yet. It just sits in my lap.

“I’m not” I lie.

I don’t like that he can read me so quickly. I feel my heart rate hammering.

“I’m patient. I can give you a minute to think about what you want to say so you don’t feel so pressured?”

No he’s too good.

“Um acrually I need to go” I say promptly and my knee bangs against the table hard. An elderly couple looks around at the commotion. Mattie looks genuinely hurt, a line appearing between his brow as he half stands.

“Have I made you uncomfortable?”

“No! No” I say tugging the end of my hair. Why am I just stood? Either sit or go.

“Then why are you bolting?”

Fuck.

“Um”

“The thing is Vi” he says sitting now and his hand on my forearm “I can’t run after you”

What the fuck?

“I wasn’t asking you to” I grit back moving from the table.

“Wait that didn’t come out right. Vi. Please?”

I sigh but I feel my momentum slowing.

“I’m just nervous. Can you sit? I need to show you something”

“Excuse me?”

“Humour me”

Hmmm. Okay I’ll bite. I sit.

Wordlessly he moves his hand from my arm and tugs the end of his slacks up. He nods, indicating for me to look. He looks embarrassed and unsure.

He has a prosthetic.

I look back up at him. He genuinely looks afraid like I’m gonna scream and scatter.

I place my purse on the floor.

“This probably isn’t first date material, but I had cancer”

I nod gently to show I’m listening

“This is my first date since the surgery. I’ve been too afraid it would scare someone off. I’m nervous Vi”

Scare someone off?

“The right person won’t care”

“Do you care?”

“I care you went through that but it doesn’t make me less attracted or interested in you” he smirks, soft and playful. His hands now resting on the table.

“You’re interested in me?”

“Obviously Mattie”

“Then why did you want to run away?”

“I don’t feel… I don’t know. I have good self esteem. You just seemed too…nice? Too good to be true I guess”

He chucked at that and sips some of his cider. I like the sound. It’s like soft bells.

“Would telling you a bad habit help even the playing field? I mean asides from the leg?”

I snort in a very unladylike manner and cover my face with a napkin before muttering through it “maybe”

“I spend too much time on my phone”

Don’t we all.

“Your turn” he continues.

I shrug and smile sadly but gently trace the crook of his wrist.

“I run away when I’m scared”