Below can be found an excerpt from my own self-help book: “C.A. Jackson’s Dadaist and melodramatic guide for the mentally unstable and narcissistic, which won’t fix any of your problems and probably confuse you”.

Forgive the long title. This project started life as a graduate thesis paper.

TRIGGER WARNING: If you have hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia, have been diagnosed with IBS or Crohn’s disease, have a history of liver infection, are pregnant, or over 65 stop reading now and consult your doctor.

Chapter 1: The Final Chapter of this Book

You, dear reader, are probably wondering right now, “Where did I put my blueberry smoothie?” It is no wonder that you are, since that is the question weighing on the hearts and minds of everyone in this troubled society. I would know, having spent 10 out of 5 of my years at psychology school studying the art of mind-reading. Now Don’t look at me like that! I know it sounds hokey, but I’m legit, I tell you. Plus, I’ve already established ethos with you, so there’s no going back now. I’m as credible as anyone out there!

If you're like most people in the world, you're probably looking for someone to affirm you, to tell you it's okay that your blueberry smoothie is missing (It's okay Colin, your blueberry smoothie is waiting for you right where you left it). But nobody is going to affirm you. Nobody cares what you think and nobody wants to help you...

Which is why it's up to you, dear reader, to affirm yourself and not give a rat's rear-end about anybody else's life. So grab a mirror, sit down--or stand; you have freedom of choice--and let's SAY THOSE AFFIRMATIONS!!!

1. I am the only person in the universe who matters.

2. Hello Greg!

3. I should be the most popular person on MySpace!

4. Where's my damn blueberry smoothie, Greg?

5. The Rock called, he wants his biceps back.

6. I know you took it, Greg!

7. I am, like, so hot.

8. I saw it on your Instagram, Greg!

9. If I committed a crime, I would get away because I'm that hot and awesome.

10. DON'T LIE TO ME, GREG!!!

11. I mean, even if the police caught me, I'd still get away.

12. I swear, I'll kill you, Greg! Give me my smoothie!

This next section was written from the Stateville Correctional Center:

I see so many kittens, whorled like gumdrops atop my skull. I feel a pinch in my nose and realize it’s the cookie-cutter I left embedded there three-thousand years ago. I wag my toes and look up at the carnivores which came before me. Ah, gods of chemistry, gods of great frenetic cleanliness, I lift my chin and bow my head to thee.

I was asked a question once, “Am I mentally unstable?”

“No,” I replied to myself, “I am simply a wandering minstrel of wisdom and death.”

I shook my head and looked at him heavily, “Your mind is an axe, your body is a pillow, do not needlessly spill feathers.”

I retorted, “You know I do not bring the flabby dog to your house for fear he will compose more of those preludes. I know you despise it.”

That shut him up.

Next week I remembered why I was on this planet: to feed the birds. It was a task that was impossible now since the blueberry smoothie war.

I truly was free, though. Even behind these striped walls, I was a veritable Oddeseus, sailing through the world of my vacuum-sealed mind.

Of course, I forgot to mention Bozay, he was a constant comfort to me throughout my wanderings.

With the laundry done, I stuffed myself back into the machine and accepted the fate of my predecessors.

Afterwards I saw nothing more of that rat, but I was moved into Elvis’ room as a gesture of good faith by the Velvet Gentleman.

Returning to psychology, bread is a good analogy. If you eat it, it disappears. The mind is the same way. In this manner we also all ought to practice caution, especially in the manner of food preparation. Careful that when you use the oven, you yourself do not become the oven. It is a principle best applied cold.

Except, he did want to steal my paper. He let me know as much.

I discovered microtones. It wasn’t a large discovery, rather, a very small one. It will only make a quarter of a difference.

I feel I have been very helpful to you as a reader. But I have been the true reader, although my manuscript is rather soggy since I tend to write in the shower. I cannot take my mind off of Greg and the blueberry smoothie, so I shall end with this. I am happy he was just a dog. My sentence shall be over soon. And thus, it is over.