POEM STARTER
Write a ghazal about someone you miss.
Ghazals are an ancient Arabic poetic form that consists of a minimum of five couplets, with each line of the couplet ending with the same word. They are usually about the beauty of love in spite of sadness.
Many Years
You are my hero, wonderful and fierce.
Although I haven’t seen you for many years.
Your heart was so pure, enduring many tears,
Your will so strong despite the many years.
Your brain was so sharp, you even remembered your cares
Love, laughter, pain and hurt over the many years.
You matured, emerged a Phoenix, in the midst of hateful stares,
You evolved beyond expectation in the many years.
You saw me, you knew me, despite the many scares
You were me, still are me, despite the many years.
Wonderful work! I just have one question. In the phrase, “You were me, still am me, despite the many years,” I’m confused about the wording. Did you mean to say, “You were me, still ARE me?” I think this would help the voice of the poem stay fluid and beautiful. Other than that, the poem is amazing!
Thank you kindly for this feedback- definitely agree!
Nice ghanzal, Aridni! I like the subtle rhyming throughout the piece and the way you portray this relationship. You get me wondering at the start who this was written about. The last line “You were me, still am me, despite the many years” - does that mean you were writing this to yourself? If it is, I find that such a fantastic beautiful image (perhaps writing to a stronger more courageous you while you’re in a low and vulnerable moment).
I thought your words were brilliant, but in a few places your images were a little too hard to follow. The picture of “evaporating into life’s stairs” - I wasn’t sure what this meant. What are life’s stairs? Why did you choose the word “evaporate” over something else? I wondered if this meant dying: evaporating suggesting disappearing and life’s stairs being the “stairway to heaven” but the following line about evolving beyond expectation threw me again. I really like your exploration of ideas through images, but if possible, try and make them consistent in the reader’s mind so we can picture and feel the emotions of what you’re trying to describe.
I’ve not got much else to say about this piece, Aridni. I enjoyed both of your pieces I read today :)
Hi Tom N, thank you soooo much for this critique on my ghanzal (I surprised myself here) - your feedback was both encouraging and insightful.
To answer your questions, kindly note:
- Yes this was a piece I wrote about myself to myself (a self-dedicated reflection😊)
- I get what you mean about the inconsistent imagery (a quest for authenticity but I’ll continue to work at that).
Here in the stanza “You matured and evaporated into life’s stairs, You evolved beyond a expectation in the many years.”, I wanted to identify the journeys and challenges of life that caused the naive and care free version of me to mature and be replaced by a more seasoned version.
Perhaps a better re-write could be as follows, keeping the integrity of the 2nd line:
You matured, emerged a phoenix, in the midst of hateful stares,
You evolved beyond expectation in the many years.
Any feedback on this proposal would be greatly appreciated!! Many thanks again Tom!!
Oh, I like your rewrite suggestion. The imagery of the phoenix already brings with it the idea of change and rebirth which helps carry the image in :)
Awesome! Thanks again for the feedback
