i am sure he didnt mean to do it. that its just a nightmare, just an error in my memory. that my brother wasnt just drowned by my dad. that something else took over, a sea monster or an evil twin. but i heard the screams. i saw my dads hand wrapped around billys neck. i saw him drowning my brother. and today we mourn my dads doing. my brothers tragic deatch in ridgemount lake. i look at dad, the light growing red beneath my eyelids. it has to be some explantion. even though i saw what i saw. my dad meets my gaze across the dinner table, and coughs.

«our mother is planning the function next week now. you should go help her once youve finished.» he says curtly to me while taking a sip of his water. i nod, unable to utter a word. i look at him, deep in his eyes as if searching for the truth. what happened, i want to ask. why arent you comforting me? what is going on? i get up and my chair shreiks against the floor. i go to mom and decide whether or not to talk to them. why does it feel like theyre hiding something from me? keeeping something from me?

«mom, i need to tell you something.» i whisper, hoping dad wont hear. i have to tell mum. she deserves to know. "what is it honey?» she smiles at me. man, she is going to be heartbroken once she hears this.

«uhm, its about billy…» i start. but a darkness settles over her. "no, no, let us not. you shouldnt right now. go talk to dad about it. you cant conutuine this much longer, okay?» she says, tightening her grip around my arm. «no! i saw it. he killed him, mum!» i yell. and her face falls. and then she does the weirdest thing ever. she breaks up in sobs.

«what now?» my dad yells and i stand there. just stand here. «he still doesnt know he never existed!» she cries. and then i remember.