A Bigfoot goes to the doctor

For his annual check-up

To make sure he’s okay

To make sure he’s in good health

The doctor measures the amount of fur Bigfoot has

Bigfoot had a lot

Which is very healthy for Bigfoots like him

The doctor got inside Bigfoot’s fur

To see how deep his fur was

It was profound

It took the doctor a whole hour to get out of the fur

Which is again healthy for a Bigfoot

He tested Bigfoot’s strength

By seeing how many curls it could do using the doctor

Who weighed 147 pounds

The Bigfoot picked up the doctor and started going

Bigfoot did 5 million reps using the doctor

With both arms

Leaving the doctor, he was pretty tired from being his dumbbell

But happy since that’s a very healthy strength for a Bigfoot

He tested Bigfoot’s weight

Seeing if he’s too big or not big enough

Bigfoot got on the scale

He fell to the floor under him with the weight

Then the next floor to the room under

Then the next one

And the next one

Which is a very good indication of a healthy Bigfoot’s weight

He tested how deep and intimidating Bigfoot’s voice was

He got out a microphone for Bigfoot

He wanted Bigfoot to roar as loudly as possible

The Bigfoot took a deep breath, in and out

Licked his lips

And coughed to clear his throat

Before he roared so loudly, so horrifically

He made everyone in the whole hospital scream

And promptly run out of the building

As quickly as humanly possible

The doctor was happy

As he shivered

Cried many tears

And had his ears bleeding

Since that is exactly how Bigfoot is supposed to sound

The doctor told Bigfoot, to his face

“You’re a very healthy Bigfoot!

There’s nothing wrong with you whatsoever!”

The Bigfoot smiled at his doctor

Gave him a big hug

Making the doctor both happy and struggle to breathe

The Bigfoot let go of the doctor

The doctor fell to the floor

Trying to calm down and not have another panic attack

The doctor shoved his right hand into the right pocket of his white coat

Getting out a container of prescribed SSRI drugs

Opening up the container and getting a few pills in his mouth

The doctor rolled and rolled around, stricken with anxiety

Wheezing, moving wildly and uncontrollably

Waiting for the meds to kick in

Once the drugs do, he stops moving

Stops moving completely

Frozen in a panicked state

Bigfoot looks confused

The Bigfoot starts to whistle and walks out to the door

Until the doctor says

“Don’t forget to pay me

Before you go”

The Bigfoot sighs and gets out his cash, hidden in his fur

“Thank you, you great Bigfoot, you”

The doctor said as he was no longer frozen

But he was still on the floor

The Bigfoot sticker out his hand, wanting to help

But the doctor quickly replied

“Don’t touch me, right now, Dinosaur sex addict Abraham Lincoln

I need to rest for tomorrow when I save the world from evil, Communist unicorns

Gay, pregnant teddy bears

Hypocritical Twitter transphobes

And the teacher from That’s My Boy starring Adam Sandler and Andy Samberg!”

Bigfoot looks at the doctor on the floor

Looks at how spaced out the doctor is

Bigfoot slowly opens the door

And goes away, wishing the doctor a good day through light grunts with a smile