This is the post I just left on r/writingcirclejerk. As sad as it is to say… I literally laughed at myself so hard, I cried. Yes… I’m a loser. I know. Lol.

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I have managed to transcend the English language and fulfill my life‘s purpose. I am sharing this literary masterpiece with you in hopes that you’ll resist the overwhelming urge to publish it as your own.

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Before I allow you to feast your eyes on the beauty that is my most painstakingly crafted project yet, I must first present to you this warning

If any of you lowlife fucking titty fuckers try to steal my precious work, I will hunt you down and suck the very soul from the depths of your being!!!

Now, without further ado…

This story is called Leaves of Grass. [Not to be confused with Walt Whitman]

Tom stood on his porch, coffee in hand, watching his lawn with the solemnity of a man with nothing left to lose. The grass had grown exactly one-eighth of an inch since yesterday. With a purposeful stride, he retrieved the mower from the shed. Clouds drifted in an extraordinary beige and blue smear upon the heavens as he trimmed each blade to uniform height. A breeze stirred, but not enough to move anything important. After thirty-seven minutes and eighteen seconds, he finished. He then wiped his brow, replaced the mower, and admired his work. The grass looked precisely as it had before. He stared out the window, pondering what to do next. Considering Tom had no job, and absolutely no goals or ambitions in life, he quickly came to the conclusion that the logical thing to do would be to go back to bed. Therefore, that was the end of Tom’s day. The end.

Now… I know you might be thinking, “what makes Tom so special? Why should we care about Tom?” The short answer is, you shouldn’t. You shouldn’t give a flying fuck about Tom or his lawn. You should give a fuck about me. Because no matter what I write, it’s fucking brilliant. Tom is a vessel. Tom is the empty husk into which I poured my genius. Tom is NOTHING without ME. And no matter how tempted you are to steal my story… DON’T! I will eat your soul.