Jenny, oh how I love you. Your tender, soft skin and warm embrace have never let me down or delivers me disappointment. Oh how I will miss you Jenny, you always listened and never interrupted. You never left my side be it in bed, or the kitchen, the shower, the living room couch, and even the yard that one time.

You have always been an excellent travel companion and the long road will be much harder without you, some may even say blue. You never took up too much space, or back seat drove. You never changed my music, or adjusted my heat. Oh Jenny how I will miss you.

Now I must retire you to Ted’s trashcan so his wife may yell at him and mine not to me. Two nessasary sacrifices in this brutal heartless separation. You never left my side and now I must leave yours, but you will always be in my thoughts, even when I inevitably replace you. Oh Jenny I

“Babe!”-wife

“BABE!”-wife

Wife calls from the kitchen to the room I am in.

“Yes honey?!”-victim

Puts gesture of finger guns in mouth.

“Did you get rid of that abomination yet?!”-wife

“No honey”-victim

“Why not?! It’s been like thirty minutes since i told you to get rid of that thing! Are you going to finish up and join me for dinner already?!”-wife

“Yeah, just a minute, I’m looking through my work email really quick!”-victim

I say this while wiping a tear from my eye. But just then an idea pops into my head.

“Alright honey, I’m coming out I’ll be like two minutes to the can and back!”-champion

“Ok hun that sounds great, I’ll be at the table”-new victim

“I love you!”-new victim

“I love you too sweetheart!”-champion

As I retire my best friend into the bin, I take my hostages out of the t-shirt I was using as a bag and empty my wife’s friends one by one into Ted’s trash receptacle, all the while smiling in glee and laughing softly to myself.

“What the fuck John?!”-nosy neighbor

“Oh hey Ted.”-champion (I say this with an unproterbed grin on my face, cupping my hand on my forehead to block the sun from my eyes.)

“What the fuck John?!!!!!!”-angry neighbor

“Stress will kill you Ted.”-hero (said with two tongue clicks, finger guns, and a drop of my shades over my eyes as I let his lid slam shut then walk away.)

“What! The actual! Fuck! John?!”