i didn’t mean to smile when you died upturned lips moving without instruction bear witness to their stares forlorn

they did not know you as well as i they did not know me either though they would protest you were not devilish usually too kind

pats on my shoulder fleeting itching to move as the canter drones on
your body is an abomination i can’t look away

comfort is expected though unnecessary perhaps that’s why they seemed afraid they couldn’t understand they were whole and content and i at a loss

they rehearse their speeches slow their movements don’t scare the poor girl don’t cause a scene perhaps they imagine i would shatter in their reassuring squeezes fleeting

i would not break these wounds will close that clinical whiteness burned into my memory so bright the lights in our house my house serve only to gather dust

there is no hope in the bright places they failed to fix you darkness comforts where light could not darkness wraps around me and i pretend it’s you

more bodies shuffle over help her she’s just a girl a handkerchief now resting over my mouth to hide my continued sin i loved you did i not? i had to why does my body now reject you?

this was not in the pamphlet was there a stage that i skipped? impossible they were memorised upon sixth read "just follow the steps you won’t need me to live" did i ever? i must have i should have i wish

there was something so sweet about you as your light slowly dimmed for too long i’d watched you shrivel a rootless flower yearning for death

your pain became mine i felt the treatment running through your veins i felt it circle around the lump and laugh what a waste too little, too late

you mirrored its unresponsiveness perfectly less receptive each day can you hear me love? crickets

a widow long before the final breath i mourned you of course but i mourned myself longer devoted to your existence
i could never refuse that was love that was the woman’s way dear fantasising life

rebirth the aftermath of a lover’s death

people must take interest in me now hey wait! the widower has something to add speaking without prompt hearing my own voice yours to consume no longer

purpose only unfolded after tragedy ha! how tragic and yet a reason to dance one life split into two

i made haste with a frivolous teens’ desperation there were many who jeered recovered so soon? besmirching you was unintentional but you’d already know that you knew everything within your comprehension a life of boxes and tradition

fresh life now blooms of desire and ambition an emptied heart governed by a full mind appropriate behaviors need moderate no longer

who am i? without you i am.

do you have no guilt? fleeting wasting fresh life that would be the truer guilt

i did not mean to smile when you died i meant to applaud