Neil could feel the air thick with the musky scent of earlier sprinkler cycles emanating from each lawn he and Caroline passed. On another night he might have taken the time to ruminate on the nostalgia of the smell, or the enjoy the feel of the cool night air after three hours in the sweaty, close quarters.

Instead his heart was racing, and his thoughts were scrambled in what he assumed was an unfortunate side affect of the Jack Daniels.

Caroline was oblivious to this, of course, and he’d given up hoping she’d ever not be.

He was about to change that. He’d made up his mind earlier.

“Do you think Alison and Roman are talking right now?” Caroline blurted, breaking his train of thought with one of her own numerous. “They were, like, eye fucking each other all night. And I swear they’d actually be kinda cute, like I could see it, y’know-“

“Could be,” he shrugged, not bothering to put any kind of energy behind the admission.

He caught her confused expression out of the corner of his eye, but continued walking. He’d swore the walk from her dorm building hadn’t been this long earlier.

“Anyways, I think Noah is going to ask me out after all we talked tonight. And I’m kinda nervous, it’s been forever since I’ve dated, but I think it’ll be good. He’s nice.”

Neil wanted to scream. “Okay.” The word came out feeling like a confession.

Caroline stopped dead in her tracks, and his already pounding heart increased to the rate of a jackhammer in his chest.

He turned to face her, and was met with an almost panicked face.

“Neil?” Her voice was small, and he knew right then that she sensed it.

“Yeah?” The word escaped low and hoarse.

“Can we not do this right now?” She said, her tone matching his in a way he sensed was instinctive.

“I don’t know what you want me to say,” Neil said, arms hanging limply at his sides. The only response he received was the crickets and the rumble of cars speeding by on the freeway down the road.

Caroline turned on her heels, ready to flee the scene characteristically. “I can walk myself home.”

“Caroline. Please,” it felt pathetic to beg like this, but he’d felt himself shattering for a long time. How much more dignity could he lose?

She turned back around. “Neil. I love you… so much,” she stepped closer to him, and in the streetlights he could see her eyes had welled up. “But… not like that. I wish-“

He nodded, abruptly holding up a hand to cut her off. “I know. Please don’t say anything else.”

Caroline looked like she wanted to step forward and embrace him, like they were used to, but he was glad she spared him that particular pain when she hesitated.

“Can you say something?” She said quietly.

“I…” the words died in his throat. “I know I’ve messed everything up. I’m sorry for that.”

Caroline shook her head almost jarringly fast. “No. No. I don’t want to lose this.”

She stepped forward again insistently, closer to him. “Please.”

It’d always been easy for her to pretend, he’d learned this long ago. It wouldn’t be any different for her.

“Caroline,” he said quietly. “I’m saying I can’t anymore.”

He saw her lip tremble, and her expression tighten the way something protected itself with the knowledge it was about to break. “Okay.”

“I’m sorry,” the words were hollow, and suddenly he couldn’t bring himself to look into her eyes anymore. “I can’t live a lie.”

“I’ll see you around, Neil,” he could tell she was crying, and he hated himself for being the cause of it.

Her heard her footsteps retreat, and with his head lowered he noticed for the first time that he was standing on a crack in the sidewalk.