the most terrifying thing, for me, is not any future event, tragedy, or disaster I can experience. it’s the idea of being stuck in my mind for the rest of my life. it’s quite terrifying, being afraid of the single thing you can never escape; as long as my heart is beating, my lungs are breathing, my mind is alive, I’m not safe. the first time I realized this, I was very young. I was in the midst of a normal, happy moment surrounded by people I love, with no responsibilities that I had to bare, no worries or stresses of being an adult, just a little girl, learning about the world and trusting that she would grow to be in a safe and stable world. I was absolutely free, until I was attacked with this heavy, unbearable weight, of feeling unsafe. feeling like something so incredibly wrong is happening, but I couldn’t understand what it was. it was a feeling in my heart, deep in my soul, in a way that none of my biological senses could feel. I felt as if I was falling into a deep black hole, trying to find something to grab onto and pull myself back up, but nothing in reach. it felt as if everything I see and hear, was being done behind a glass wall. things started to become distorted and unclear. this feeling would come and go over the next 20 years of my life. now, even if I go months without feeling it, I have a inevitable, debilitating fear of myself. how can I escape my own mind? I can push these thoughts away, but there is always an opening for them to return, they’ll always creep up on me, and taunt me until the day I die.