I’m trying, I’ve tried, I’ll try. I really do, i really have, i really will. The thoughts dawned on me almost like when some one says ‘Oi move‘ and for seconds after you just have to think ´did i do something wrong, what did i do?ˋ even the thought of leaving this monstrous, comforting, terrifying, addictive situation makes me crumble into pieces. The pressure balance on top of my head like a pile of atlesst 20 books. For some reason i find solace in this pressure. Like it pulls the best of my defence, like it prove i actually can do stuff for me. The situation is a hour glass, the sand slips through the glass destroying my every attempt of self worth but it builds a new tower of freedom. If i leave i will be free, i can do what i want, i can feel happy. However in order to do this i would have to crush my mind. I love this. It keeps me from slipping under the water. It builds a new personality as my true blood is squeezed out.